Older Coloradans, Americans who live alone, often rely on neighbors or others willing to help

By Judith Graham, KFF Health News

Donald Hammen, 80, and his longtime next-door neighbor in South Minneapolis, Julie McMahon, have understanding. Every morning he checks to see if the curtains on the dining room window have been removed. Otherwise he will call Hammen or break into his house to see what’s going on.

If McMahon finds Hammen in bad shape, he plans to contact his aunt, who lives in suburban Des Moines. This is his closest relative. Hammen never married or had children, and his younger brother died in 2022.

Although Hammen lives alone, a web of relationships connects him to his city and community: neighbors, friends, former co-workers, fellow volunteers at an advocacy group for seniors, and other members of a group of single people. McMahon is an emergency contact, like a former co-worker. Another neighbor was doing his laundry when Hammen was hit by a car in February 2019. A friend of his came to keep him company. When Hammen stood up, other people walked with him.

These connections certainly remain. But Hammen has no idea who can care for him if he becomes unable to care for himself.

“I’ll cross the bridge when I get there,” he said.

These are essential questions for older adults living alone: ​​Who will be there for them in matters big and small? Who will help them and advocate on their behalf in an increasingly complex healthcare system? Who will take out the garbage if it becomes difficult to move? Who will shovel the snow if a winter storm blows through?

American society is based on the assumption that families take care of themselves. But in 2015, the last year for which reliable estimates are available, 15 million Americans age 50 and older did not have any immediate family (spouse, partner or children). Most of them lived alone. This number is expected to increase to 21 million in 2060.

Beyond that, millions of seniors living on their own are not geographically close to adult children or other family members. Or they have difficult, strained relationships that keep them from asking for support.

These older adults should seek help from other circles when they need it. They often turn to neighbors, friends, church members or community groups, or paid help if they can afford it.

And often, they simply disappear, leaving them vulnerable to isolation, depression, and deteriorating health.

Can non-family helpers be an adequate alternative when elderly people living alone do not have immediate family? This has not been well researched.

“We’re just starting to do a better job of understanding that people have a lot of connections outside of their families that are essential to their well-being,” said demographer and sociologist Sarah Patterson of the university’s Institute for Social Research. He’s from Michigan.

A remarkable takeaway study published A joint study by researchers at Emory University, Johns Hopkins University and the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai found that most seniors adapt to living alone by incorporating local social networks of friends, neighbors, nieces and nephews and siblings. can be used to support their independence).

Finding reliable local connections isn’t always easy, though. Nonfamily aides also may not be willing or able to provide consistent, intensive hands-on care if necessary.

When researching AARP people he calls “lonely old people” In 2022, only 25% said they could trust someone to help them cook, clean, get groceries or do other household chores when needed. Only 38% said they knew someone who could help manage their ongoing care needs. (AARP defined aging alone as people age 50 or older who are unmarried, have no living children, and live alone.)

Michelle Wallace, 75, a former technology project manager, lives alone in a single-family home in Broomfield, Colorado. He worked hard to build a local support network. Wallace has been divorced for almost three decades and has no children. Although he has two sisters and a brother, they live far away.

Wallace describes himself as someone who doesn’t have a happy partner. “A merger is not for me,” he said. “I really need my own space and privacy.”

Instead, he developed relationships with several people he met through local groups for those living alone. Many of them became his close friends. Wallace said the two people, both in their 70s, were “like sisters.” Another, who lives just a few blocks away, agreed to become a “we’ll help each other out when needed” partner.

“Those living alone in our 70s are looking for support systems. And the scariest thing is not having friends nearby,” Wallace said. “It’s the local network that really matters.”

Minnesota’s St. Linda Camp, 73, a former St. Paul city manager who never married or had children. wrote several reports St. for the Citizens United in St. Paul about growing old alone. But when he had cataract surgery on both eyes this summer, he was still surprised by how much help he needed.

A former co-worker accompanied Camp to the surgery center twice and waited there until the procedures were finished. A relatively new friend took her to a follow-up appointment. His 81-year-old downstairs neighbor agreed to come over if Camp needed anything. Other friends and neighbors also joined in.

Camp was lucky; He has a large network of former co-workers, neighbors and friends. “When I talk about solos, I tell people that any connection is valuable,” he said.

Gardner Stern, 96, who lives alone on the 24th floor of the Carl Sandburg Village apartment complex just north of downtown Chicago, was much less deliberate. He never planned for his care needs in later life. He just thought things would work out.

They did, but not in the way Stern predicted.

The person who helps him the most is his third wife, 75-year-old Jobie Stern. The couple had an acrimonious divorce in 1985, but now Stern goes to all her doctor’s appointments, takes her grocery shopping and takes her to physical therapy twice a week. and stops to chat for about an hour every afternoon.

He is also Gardner’s neighbor; He lives 10 floors above her in the same building.

Why is he doing this? “I think I moved into this building, and he’s very old, a really nice guy, and we have a child together,” she said. “It makes me happy to know he did the best thing possible.”

Over the years, he said, he and Gardner put their differences aside.

“I never expected this from Jobie,” Gardner told me. “I guess time heals everything.”

Gardner’s other main local connections are Elder Care author Joy Loverde, 72, and her husband, 79, who live on the 28th floor. Gardner calls Loverde a “tell it like it is” friend; the playful person who helped him decide it was time to stop driving convinced him to buy a walk-in shower with a bench in his bathroom Play scrabble with him every week and give practical advice whenever he has a problem.

“I think if it wasn’t for that I would be in an assisted living facility,” Gardner said.

There is also family: four children, all living in Los Angeles, eight grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren, most of whom live in Los Angeles. Gardner sees most of this extended clan about once a year and speaks with them frequently, but cannot rely on them for his daily needs.

For this, Loverde and Jobie are an elevator ride away. “I have wonderful people monitoring my existence, a big screen television, and a freezer full of beautiful frozen dinners,” Gardner said. “That’s all I need.”

As Judith Graham explores the lives of older adults living alone over the next few months, she looks forward to hearing from people in this situation. If you would like to share your stories, please send them to [email protected].

KFF Health News is a national newsroom producing in-depth journalism on health issues and is a core operating program of KFF, an independent source of health policy research, surveys and journalism. Learn more about KFF.