Help! I can hear my son having sex in the next room

Last week, while I was working on a particularly challenging task, I heard a rhythmic thumping sound coming from the ceiling. At first I thought it had something to do with the pipes. Then it hit me like a cold hand holding my heart.

My son Alfie, home from college. Alfie’s bedroom was directly above the study. Let’s say Alfie was entertaining his girlfriend in the bedroom in question. I really didn’t know what to do with myself.

Fighting the images that were popping up unbidden in my mind, I loudly slammed my desk drawer, turned up the music, and—whether the couple upstairs had gotten the hint or had just finished their work—the sound eventually faded away. (Though my attempts to use the toilet in the upstairs bathroom were later thwarted as the happy couple decided to shower together.)

There are many blessings in watching our children grow and develop. leave the nest – but one of the most challenging is navigating entering romantic relationships. We can metaphorically put our fingers in our ears and sing “la la la” — but whether we want to admit it or not, at some point we will have to admit that our adult children are getting intimate with their boyfriends or girlfriends.

While most teenagers or young people in their early 20s today live independently, modern financial pressures mean this number is increasing. I’m returning home now after college – if they break up in the first placewell. According to a survey conducted by Statista in 2023, 42 percent of young adults 15 to 34 years old They live with their parents. In a survey conducted two years ago, the average age was stated as 24 (25 for those living in London).

In fact, most of our children after separation Now I’m coming back like a boomerang. So your child in his late teens or early 20s has a better chance than ever of bringing that early relationship under your roof.

Eventually, it will be time to deal with the consequences; joyful, difficult and strange at the same time. So how do we manage the transition?

Accept that your family roles are changing

“As your children grow, your role as a parent changes, and you need to accept that note,” says psychologist and relationship expert Susan Quilliam. “That doesn’t mean this will be an easy transition, but there are ways to make it less challenging.”

It’s not just about the possibility of overhearing your child having sex – that’s sickening, too. Relationship experts agree that the psychological shift that comes with seeing your child as an adult partner is deeper than the discomfort or embarrassment of hearing him or her in bed in the first place (which you may not have to face if you have a larger home or a thoughtful child).

Seeing your child with his or her partner is the clearest indication that your baby is no longer a baby. Sheri Jacobson, psychotherapist and founder Harley Therapy“As your children begin to form relationships with adults, changes occur on many fronts,” she says. Everyone needs to keep up with change.”

“Children themselves are going through changes: their hormones, their education or work situation,” Jacobson said. “And then there is the parent who has to adjust to their new adult child. As a result of both of the above, the interaction and power dynamic between the two of you changes; You move towards more friendship, more of a relationship of equals. There are so many different twists and turns to navigate.”

Of course, it may take time for you to accept that your innocent son or daughter is not so innocent anymore. You may even feel a sense of loss. Ginny, a 22-year-old mother of a son, says: “It makes me a little sad that Daniel wants to spend more time with his girlfriend than I do. Now I’m playing second fiddle.”

See the positive aspects and learn to deal with uncomfortable moments

While it’s unlikely (though not impossible) that an early romance will last, experts agree that having your child have their first adventure is a positive sign. “You need a certain level of psychological health to be in a relationship,” says Jacobson.

“This shows that you are a relatable person and that you have developed listening, compromise, patience and friendship skills.” In other words, you’ve done a good job raising your child. As Ginny confirms: “I love seeing that Daniel has such a lovely boyfriend for Poppy and it makes me proud of him.”

But for many parents, this adjustment process can still be difficult. “It’s going to take time to get used to being a parent, but not ‘being a parent,'” says Quilliam. “You have to get out of what I call ‘meerkat’ mode, where all you want to do is protect and protect your child. It’s hard to tell a 21-year-old who has been away from college for three years: don’t come back late.”

Don’t be afraid to remove boundaries

However, it is completely acceptable to have boundaries when an adult child and his/her spouse are spending the night at your home.

When Hannah’s daughter Sammy brought home her first boyfriend when she was 17, Hannah set some rules. “We talked a lot about the child in question, analyzing pro and con because he was older,” he said. “We discussed my wish that Sammy not have sex until he turns 18 because I felt it would give them time to explore and have ‘control’. “I introduced my husband to his family before he was allowed to stay here.”

Sammy is now 24 years old and his relationship is long lasting. “I’m lucky because he’s actually a great guy,” says Hannah. “I never went around them or heard of them because I suspect she had a strict upbringing as well and they were respectful of the fact that we had younger siblings around us.”

Jacobson agrees that a parent of an adult child is perfectly within their rights to have some “ground rules.” “Social mores have changed, we’re less bound by religious restrictions, and it’s probably less shocking than it used to be to have an adult child share a bed under your roof,” he says. “But there is a danger that you can get too comfortable and your child will take advantage of that.”

Ideally, she says, they’ll spend some time somewhere else, such as time around other parents. “But if there really is no option, you may have to compromise,” he says. “If you forbid them from co-sleeping, you run the risk of your relationship breaking down; your child may wander off somewhere else, possibly even endangering themselves.”

Managing unsuitable partners and possible splits

And if you Don’t like your child’s choice of partner? “We are often quick to say we ‘don’t like’ someone who is different from us,” says Jacobson. “They may be noisier than we’re used to, or they may have annoying habits like staying in the shower for too long. And this can be further strengthened when they are under your roof. Reluctance is natural, but try to keep an open mind, see the benefits for your own child, and be curious.”

One of the hardest things as a parent is watching your child go through their first separation. “The biggest problem was the trauma of the breakup,” says Moira, recalling that her daughter’s boyfriend “left” her a year later. “Nobody wants to see their child unhappy. When a young man broke my daughter’s heart, my husband wanted to dress her up, and I wanted to wrap her in a blanket. “I was almost as devastated as he was.”