Psychotherapist Reveals 2 Main Reasons Why Adult Children Are Separated From Their Parents

Parent-child estrangements happen with such regularity these days that it’s easy to feel like the adult children in question are doing it for the most trivial of reasons; This is a frequent accusation against those who don’t communicate.

But ask almost anyone who has cut off their parents’ relationship, and they’ll tell you it’s an incredibly difficult, often devastating, and nearly impossible decision to make lightly.

Alienation is such a complex process that it is not surprising that it triggers this kind of cultural discourse. But while the problem is complex, one online therapist says the root reasons for not communicating are often anything but.

Psychotherapist Mathias Barker says there are 2 main reasons why adult children fail to communicate with their parents:

Barker is a Nashville-based therapisttrauma specialist and psychiatrist Dr. He is a co-founder with Frank Anderson. Trauma InstituteIt is dedicated to expanding understanding of trauma and trauma recovery and helping train therapists in these disciplines.

Suffice it to say, she knows what she’s talking about when it comes to trauma and the parent-child alienation that often results from it. As with many conflicts, triggers for estrangement are often unrelated to the event that caused the conflict; just like spouses arguing about doing the dishes. It’s never about the dishes.

fizkes | Shutterstock

In a recently deleted video, Barker explained that despite all the complex drama involved, when it comes to parent-child alienation, the rupture often boils down to two very simple things.

RELATING TO: We Are Witnessing the Grandparent Alienation of the 2020s

1. The adult child feels like he can no longer act

Of course, there are many conflicts that can fall under this umbrella; The most obvious of these is LGBTQIA+ individuals who feel they cannot continue to hide their identities from others. homophobic or transphobic parents. I experienced this in my own life with a family member who cut ties with me because of this.

But of course, there are many other reasons why people are forced to “pretend” with family members, especially in our age of religious extremism and unstable politics that cause so much conflict in families.

But perhaps the most common are the elephants in the room; family secrets and childhood traumas that many parents of adult children today do not even want to discuss.

This left her adult children, as Barker puts it, “It’s been a long time, it’s been really frustrating, and they’ve been biting their tongues their whole lives and they’re tired of it.” After all, everyone has a breaking point.

And most importantly, when you are not willing to be vulnerable and humble enough to listen to your child, you leave your relationship with them for nothing. You push them into a corner where they are forced to choose between shutting themselves down to keep the peace or walking away for their own good. For many people today, this choice is crystal clear.

RELATING TO: Estranged Mother Reveals What Her Son Said That Caused Him to Cut Off Communication with His Wife

2. They don’t know how to manage conflict without causing stress

Others, on the contrary, are more willing to endure and mend fences, but feel that they cannot do so without sparking conflicts that seem difficult to manage due to their parents’ volatility.

In another video, no longer available, he described it as a sort of “death by a thousand paper cuts”; Sometimes a series of events that last a lifetime combine over time and turn into an unmanageable situation.

“When you get to that tipping point, I don’t know how to be authentic without starting a conflict, and I don’t trust that the conflict can be resolved,” Barker said. “I don’t trust you to see or hear me. Cutting this off feels like the only option.”

I experienced this with a family member with whom I was determined to maintain a relationship even though everything I said and did led to retaliation. Until it reached a point where I couldn’t even imagine years of harsh criticism; until he threatened me with violence and challenged me to a physical fight. Because of different political views. About Sarah Palin, of all people.

This was the end for me. I have maintained this boundary with this relative for 15 years, both because this was a huge breach of trust and because they made reconciliation conditional on never arguing.

Bottom line: While it is easy to get the impression from social media that the disease is a “social contagion” Skyrocketing cases of parent-child alienation These days, no contact is something almost no one takes lightly. And often the antidote couldn’t be simpler than this: just being willing to be vulnerable and listen.

RELATING TO: Parents Who Let Their Adult Children Be Alienated Are Actually Abandoning Their Children First, Therapist Says

John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer covering popular culture, social justice and human interest issues.