Secure Attachment: Developing Relational Resilience

Do you feel stuck in a rigid relationship pattern that leaves you unsatisfied in your most important relationships?

Maybe people give you regular feedback that you’re distant or don’t share your feelings and needs. Maybe you find yourself constantly seeking more reassurance and comfort than your loved ones offer. When you encounter a threat shame or abandonment, you may react in ways you will later regret. Let’s explore the roots of our emotional attachment patterns, originally emphasized by Ainsworth (1982) and Bowlby (1988). Our intimate interactions shape our expectations in relationships, influence our stories about ourselves and others, and what is possible for us in a relationship.

Consider Your Early Bonds

How was your primary education? caregiver Does it meet your needs?
How did your caregiver’s responses shape your expectations today?

Survival Responses and Resilient Relationships

Ours ADDITIONAL Originally created styles childhoodIt can change over time as we learn new things and challenge ourselves to try new behaviors in our relationships. Attachment styles are emotional blueprints that guide our reactions in relationships, often before we even have a chance to think. Even though we find ourselves walking away fear or holding on to connection, understanding these patterns can light the way to healthier relationships.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

According to Sue Johnson, healthy relationships are built on foundation.

Accessibility: Being present even in confusion or pain.
Sensitivity: Showing kindness in response to pain.
Getting engaged: Treating each other like precious treasures.

Determine Your Attachment Style

Trustworthy: Flexible relationship! you are comfortable sincerity and independence, based on what works in the current situation. You have the capacity for healthy intimacy and borders.
Avoiding/condescending: You may be independent, prefer solitude, and struggle with vulnerability. You may have a story like “Intimacy is more trouble than it’s worth.”
Anxious/my mind is busy: You may fear abandonment and hold on to others for support: “I can’t do this on my own.”
Disorganized/fearful avoidant: You oscillate reactively between styles in ways that are not sensitive to the current context. You are reacting to neglectful or abusive relationships in the past, not to this relationship in front of you.

More importantly, you may have different attachment styles depending on the relationship. You may have a secure style in your friendships, an avoidant style towards authority figures, and an anxious style towards your partner. If your style works, great! This only becomes a problem when you or the person you are in a relationship with cannot meet their needs.

Think About Your Most Challenging Relationship

Which attachment style surfaces?
What fears are triggered?

Healthy Attachment in Action

When we develop a healthy attachment style, we manage our emotions and needs flexibly with both intrapersonal and interpersonal resources. For example, when we are afraid, we can comfort ourselves or ask for support from someone we love; whatever works. When we are sad, we can both console ourselves and grieve with others. When we get angry, we give ourselves the necessary space and convey our demand for change. When we feel embarrassed, we can show compassion to ourselves and gain acceptance from others.

Awareness Exercise

Identify a part of you that tends to cling on or avoid in your most important relationships.
Pay attention to its presence in your body and your feelings towards it.
Ask yourself: How does this part feel? What does it need?
What is the most difficult move for you, offering to meet your needs yourself or getting support from someone else? No matter what’s difficult right now, how can you challenge yourself to do something new (either build your inner resources or strengthen your connection with others)?

Opposites Attract

People with anxious and avoidant attachment styles often find themselves in a dance of distance and closeness. Recognizing this pattern can be the first step towards healthier dynamics. When you’re with someone who wants to grow and learn with you, you’ll be curious, compassionate, and work together to grow. Check out this short video on navigating this dynamic: How to Choose a Partner Wisely?.

Towards Secure Connectivity

Although our attachment tendencies remain, moving toward secure attachment is an iterative journey underpinned by ever-increasing supportive relationships and self-compassion. Some tips:

Pay attention to relationships where someone is present in your life, treats you kindly when you are suffering, and treats you like a treasure. Get this in! When the same person makes a mistake in these areas and you point it out, pay attention to how they react. If they show that they want to continue learning to love you better, and you want to continue learning to love them better, you learn together! Wow!
Start changing your attachment style with bold “counteraction” moves: If you know you’re behaving inefficiently in a relationship, gradually try doing the opposite until 5 times out of 10 it’s difficult or less. , in trusting relationships and see what happens. For example, if you have an avoidant style, try expressing compassionate emotions (such as sadness, fear, and shame) and reassure your loved one. If you have an anxious style, manage difficult emotions with self-reassurance. Then calmly express your needs and wants by allowing the other person to say “no.”