Managing burnout and feelings of being left behind | News, Sports, Jobs

Dear Annie: It’s been a long journey for my wife and I. I dropped out of graduate school and we got married in 2008, just as the economy was crashing. It took us a while to advance our careers. After 10 years of struggle, we moved to a new state for new jobs, and right before the pandemic, my wife started working in teaching. While all this was happening, our oldest child had behavioral issues, and our youngest was young and hyperactive and couldn’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

“Our Time”, date nights, etc. We struggle with things. Most weekends we don’t even leave the house. On top of that, he has a chronic disease that we are currently under control. We made mistakes in our relationship. We were under stress and decided that this year we could have a work life outside of work if we could plan ahead.

A few weeks left and that’s too much for him. He has bipolar II disorder, so it could be bipolar fatigue. He hit a burnout wall this weekend and told me he had to cut back on things – no more trips, having a birthday celebration for me this month was too much for him. I had a big victory at work and wanted to be celebrated, but that too had to be postponed because it was too much for him.

I do all the driving, most of the cooking, and half the laundry. I help clean up and take the kids to all their activities. We’re behind on things like dentist appointments. We’re having a hard time keeping up and it’s like 1) I’m expected to take on more so he doesn’t get overwhelmed and 2) The things he needs to cut back on are all related to how he sees or appreciates me.

I love this person. He has the best laugh, the sharpest mind and is so talented. She’s a great mother. I love having him in my life, but I don’t know how to overcome burnout and embrace the idea that what he needs to do to be healthy doesn’t hold space for me.

In the past, I’ve gone into help mode: How can we make things easier, how can we take things off his plate, what resources can I find? But most of what I suggest falls on deaf ears or no response. I’m out of ideas. — Lost

Dear Lost: It is clear that you care deeply about your spouse and children. While it’s great to be supportive, don’t overlook your own needs; Your well-being will directly affect his.

Bipolar II can make consistency difficult, and burnout is real. Minimizing your value can feel like a lifeline to her, although it may come at the cost of you feeling valued and supported.

Now more than ever, it’s important to not give up on making “our time” for the two of you—even if it’s just hanging out at home for 30 minutes a week. It’s important to stay on the same team and not let resentment build.

You should also get outside support. It’s great if you have a family member or nanny to help with child care, but if not, take advantage of free or low-cost child care offered at schools, churches, or nonprofit organizations like the YMCA or Boys & Girls Club. Additionally, a couples counselor can help you make a sustainable plan moving forward.