I helped 150 couples improve their sex lives. That’s the advice I give to all of them.

…then create space for the ‘possibility’ of sex

I see many clients who say, “I have lost my desire” or “I don’t want sex”, but in fact this has changed, it has not disappeared. And that anxious feeling that you’re losing desire can itself be a desire dampener and create extra pressure. I tell my clients that the most predictable thing about sex is that it will change; We all think it should be a fixed entity, but it actually isn’t.

The truth is that many people, especially in long-term relationships (and more typically women), don’t think about sex or suddenly have the desire to have sex. This is because desire can be sensitive; So instead of having the innate motivation for sex like in the movies – when it’s spontaneous or proactive, this kind of “lightning flash” sex – we often start something (like kissing or touching) and the desire to continue arises from that.

This means we need to create a context where sex is possible. it could be It happens without making it the focal point. This could be lying in bed without our phones, talking and touching. Even though we may not be in the mood for sex when we get into bed, you will notice that desire is “triggered” as you lean into this scenario. So creating the context means that the desire comes later.

Enjoy touch just for touch’s sake, without any expectations

I talk to a lot of people who feel “moved”; Perhaps they are constantly being grabbed and clawed by their children or grandchildren during the day, or perhaps they have many responsibilities and dependents. What happens in these situations is that people get into the mindset of thinking they are being touched because their partner is expecting sex, which causes them to flinch or pull away because they are completely exhausted.

One way to recalibrate this mindset is to touch just for the sake of touching, without the expectation that it will go anywhere or go anywhere. It turns into sex. If you start doing this, it often leads to more unexpected results; that is, touching each other to feel the warmth of their skin or enjoying a hug without the intention of it turning into something more. Then, ironically, sometimes to do It leads to more, but it also helps us reconnect and enjoy the feeling and sensation of being close to our partner and receiving their undivided attention.

It is also important to accept these ebbs and flows in our sex life impartially, without judgment. One of the biggest inhibitors of desire—which makes it worse—is when we shame ourselves for struggling (or not) with it. If you notice a reluctance to have sex, approach it neutrally and don’t give yourself a hard time for feeling that way. Desire is completely natural and will fluctuate depending on all kinds of things going on in your life.

Instead, focus on other ways to connect with your partner that don’t involve sex. Because, for example, if you’re struggling with low mood and the resulting lack of desire, you’re unlikely to experience a sudden burst of energy for sex. However, when we connect to our partner without any pressure or expectations instead, what we can feel is closer to them, which ultimately brings the potential for the situation to move into a sexual area.

As told to Sophie Goddard

Authored by Kate Moyle. Sex Science“Sexual education book for adults” and hosted by Sexual Health Sessions Podcast.