The Secret to Couples Who Just Click, According to Psychology | sue johnson

My research is conducted where the chemistry of the heart meets the chemistry of the brain. my book Feeling of Loveexplores how to achieve, develop and sustain long-term love. Shortly after the book’s release, I interviewed YourTango to discuss the science of love and the relationship truths that stir hearts and form the basis of stronger, deeper, more powerful emotional bonds.

A conversation between Sue Johnson and YourTango about the science of love and what makes couples tick:

Your Tango: You talk a lot about the emotional, spiritual, and feel-good benefits of relationships. Can we get these benefits from short-term relationships and flings, or must we be in a committed relationship?
Sue Johnson: you need to be in a committed relationship To achieve physical or health benefits, such as a better heart rate. If you want all the feel-good things of connection, dating isn’t going to do it. No free rides here! The reason I say this is because you need a real sense of connection to feel safe and connected with your partner. Because that’s what we’re talking about; bonds. We are ready to succeed in this type of relationship. A good relationship is a better health insurance than a careful diet, and a better anti-aging strategy than taking vitamins.

RELATED: 7 Sweet Things Men Do When They Just Love A Woman For Her True Self

dekazigzag | Shutterstock

Our most important misconception about love

Your Tango: What do you think is our biggest misconception about love, and do you think it’s harmful or not a big deal?
Sue Johnson: I think it’s the belief that love is just a random, mysterious thing. This is something that happened to you, not something you did. People act as if they have no control over their relationships. This is not good for us.

I also think we’re starting to think of addiction as a weakness. Instead of falling in love with our partners, we have fallen in love with independence, and it is dangerous to deprive ourselves of the connection and intimacy we crave. Our internal dialogue goes something like this: “If I need him to support me, that means I’m weak.” We want to be strong, competent career women, and we can do it. Expressing our desire to have a partner does not mean we are weak. Being able to say this, to be able to say, “I want to be in a committed relationship,” is a great power.

RELATED: 5 Traits of Sweet, Determined Men That May Seem Like Red Flags at First

The power of emotional connection and intimacy

Your Tango: You talk about three places where we exist in our relationships: emotions, brain, and body. Where do we tend to put our priorities… and where should we?
Sue Johnson: There’s a misconception that romantic love is all about intimacy. It has been very unfortunate to reduce relationships to this. Here’s the thing: Here’s what to focus on: our emotional bond. Great intimacy can and does follow! Intimacy without a strong connection is like dancing without music: It’s not very satisfying.

The essence of love is the quality of emotional connection, and when this is strong, everything falls into place. So to get there, you need to focus on cultivating that bond, not a cozy bedroom life.

RELATING TO: Why Do We Fall in Love? Scientific, Chaotic and Evolutionary Reasons Why You Feel Soft Inside

The charm of love and mystery

Your Tango: “We are hesitant to add science to the concept of love because we think so.”kills mystery.” Why do we want to stay in the dark?
Sue Johnson: We crave excitement and assume we can only experience it at the beginning of a relationship. And we attach great importance to the concept of innovation. As a society, we hoped for love. Jane Austen hoped for this. But now? We all expect it and still want to desire that “strange, mysterious, almost forbidden thing.”

It is also mysterious because we don’t fully understand it! But we can’t afford for love to be mysterious or strange. We need to understand love, why it goes wrong and how we can fix it. We can no longer work with love like in this mysterious story. It’s not sustainable. But real, long-term, committed love is the most sustainable thing. That’s what keeps us going.

RELATING TO: The Simple Secret to Having a Better Relationship (It’s Not Rocket Science!)

Dr. Sue Johnson is the Director. International Center of Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and author of numerous bestselling books, including Hold Me Tight and Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.