5 signs it may be time to reduce your contact with a parent

• Unlike no contact, low contact allows you to establish some type of connection with your parent.

• Therapists say you can reduce communication by reducing the way and frequency you communicate.

• Going low may also mean revealing less sensitive information about yourself.

Almost everyone has disagreements with their parents. For some, the frequent arguments and ongoing tension have such a negative impact on their lives that they they are estranged from their parents.

You don’t have to do this cut contact completely It makes you feel calmer and happier, even if you have a contentious relationship. Instead, you can try reducing how often you communicate and how much you’re willing to open up.

“This is often a way to maintain connection while maintaining your peace of mind.” Annie WrightThis works best in relationships that are not physically abusive, a therapist in California told Business Insider. emotionally volatilebut they are still nervous.

For someone used to seeing their parents in person a few times a week, low contact may result in visits dropping to once a month. Others may feel better calling every two weeks or emailing a few times a year. Najamah DavisA licensed clinical social worker in New Jersey.

Here are some signs that having less contact with a parent may benefit you.

You feel exhausted or stressed every time you talk

Check in with how you feel when talking to your parent to know where you stand in your relationship.

“If these interactions constantly leave you feeling drained, guilty, or anxious, but they are still love and shared history, low contact may be a middle ground,” Wright said.

For example, emotionally immature parents They may notice that they feel stressed, angry, or depressed every time they hang up the phone.

Conversations that feel inappropriate, such as a parent giving unsolicited advice about a romantic relationship, or criticize his careerIt could be a sign that will change the way you interact with them, Davis said.

Consider what you can personally handle, Wright said. If you know your mother will criticize the cleanliness of your home every time she visits, this might mean inviting her over less often or meeting somewhere else.

Most of the time you regret opening up to them

Low communication isn’t just about how often you communicate. Often this comes down to how vulnerable you want to be in the relationship.

If your mother makes you feel worse when you bring up an issue in your life, “you can choose to stay very surface-level,” Wright said. You can keep things neutral and logistical by talking about what their grandchildren are doing or their upcoming travel plans.

By being more directive in your conversations, you can “take control over what’s shared and discussed,” Davis said.

You tried to convey what you needed

Low contact doesn’t happen on a whim. “We are wired to connect with this person,” Wright said.

Often, he added, low contact seems like a better option after the person has already tried to communicate their needs in the relationship. If a “eggshell parent” For someone who is highly reactive and never apologizes, reducing the frequency of speaking may be a more viable solution than maintaining the status quo.

You still want a relationship

Wright said one of the biggest pros of going low-contact instead of no-contact is that you can preserve the relationship.

You may have a hard time maintaining a healthy relationship with a parent, he said, but realize they’re showing up as grandparents. Their clients also engaged in less contact, either because of financial dependency or because it was less painful than no contact.

Another benefit of staying connected is possibility of repair down the line. “You never know if your feelings for that person are going to change, if their behavior patterns are going to change,” Wright said.

You get along better with more boundaries

Low contact makes maintenance easier healthy boundaries.

By reducing negative interactions, it allows people to “enjoy more enjoyable moments,” Davis said.

If you tend to have long, one-sided phone calls with a parent, it may be helpful to set a shorter time frame for calls. You can prevent yourself from feeling exhausted by giving yourself a break after 30 minutes.

In some cases, walking away can change the dynamics of the relationship in the long run. “It makes some parents crave that connection with their kids even more,” Davis said.

Although Wright says this is a “rare” occurrence in his practice, some of his clients have reported that their relationships improved after less contact. Some parents stopped going to therapy or stopped making the effort. reconnect with their children.

“I’ve seen some really beautiful relational changes,” Wright said. “Here is a parent who is willing to do the hard work and keep up with the relationship.” In these cases, low contact was only a temporary phase.

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