I Ask Eric: My live-in boyfriend still claims to be attracted to me but not interested in sex

DEAR ERIC: I am a 50-year-old woman who reconnected with a 41-year-old man I dated years ago.

Before we moved in together, our physical intimacy slowed down to maybe once a week or once every two weeks. He claims he’s stressed about his job and it has nothing to do with me.

We’ve been living together for over six months and now he’s almost a month away from being “in the mood”. I cried and we got into arguments over the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Each time he claims he is still attracted to me but is no longer interested in sex. He said he had no such wish. She worries that if she tries to have sex, she won’t be able to perform.

I made it clear that sex and intimacy are very important to me and I think he should get help to find out if his testosterone is low. He claims he wants things to work themselves out. I love him and I love our home we share together, but I refuse to live in a sexless, loveless relationship. Am I selfish and unreasonable?

– Lost Love

PRECIOUS LOSS: You can’t be blamed for being honest about your needs. Sex is not a condition of a relationship. But communication is. Even if you’re talking about it, I don’t know if you’re communicating effectively.

I don’t know what you mean about things working themselves out. How? From where? When? If he’s stuck and not sure how to solve this problem, it’s not his fault. But there’s a difference between being stuck and being avoidant.

When our bodies or desires change in ways we don’t particularly want, that change can be a source of shame. And shame can reveal a whole web of behavior. If we don’t address its roots, the web becomes more complex.

There are solutions: talking to a trained professional – together or alone; The test you mentioned; Adjusting your sexual life in a way that explores intimacy in a way that doesn’t put pressure on him to perform.

Ask yourself what a loving relationship looks like; Be creative. Physical connection is important, but also force yourself to think beyond the physical connection. Then ask him the same. Tell him you’re at a crossroads and ask him to be your partner in finding the path forward. Sex is part of intimacy, but the ability to be vulnerable is crucial. You can both practice vulnerability by working together to find new forms of intimacy. I hope he takes this step with you.

(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at: [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at: rericthomas.com.)

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