How to get over political differences in a relationship

Lucy Banks has been with her partner for two years and says navigating opposing political views has been difficult. She is a progressive and fierce feminist, while her partner is much more conservative and has expressed support for Donald Trump.

Early in their relationship, while the Banks tried to agree that their values ​​were compatible, their politics did not align. It challenged many of her assumptions about romantic relationships.

“There were times when conversations got so heated that one of us had to walk away or leave the room,” Banks says. “I think it initially raised red flags for each of us.”

Since establishing ground rules for handling disagreements, their differences have provided an opportunity for Banks to set a positive example of healthy communication for her teenage son.

“We do not avoid discussing our differences, we will talk if they come up. He has a heart of gold and wants the best for people, which is why he is interested in politics. He sees things differently because he walks a different path, but we both have the same values.”

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The banks’ experience is indicative of a broader trend in Australia. More people are willing to date outside their political affiliation than they were 25 years ago, according to a study by Flinders University.

The study found Australian women have been moving steadily to the political left for some time, with the Coalition receiving its lowest share of the female vote in history in the 2022 federal election. While women shift to the left, men’s political views remain stable.

Growing political divide

If political views continue along different gender-oriented paths, politically incompatible relationships may become more common. 30 percent of people in the United States are romantically involved with people who do not share their political views.

While this dynamic can work, a partner’s political views can have real-life effects on gender role expectations, division of household labor, child-rearing responsibilities, and financial decision-making.

Hannah*, a 24-year-old psychology graduate from Sydney, has experienced breakdowns in friendships and relationships due to political differences.

“I slowly fell out with more than one of my male friends because they tended to be a little bit more right-leaning or socially conservative,” she says.

She broke up with her ex-boyfriend for similar reasons, following his words about his gay friends causing a rift between them.

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“If you’re constantly feeling a little uncomfortable hanging out with your partner or close friends, that will damage your relationship over time, and that’s been my experience.”

To avoid these scenarios, psychotherapist and marriage counselor Dr. Melissa Ferrari encourages talking about expectations early in the relationship. This will reveal whether a potential partner sees you as their equal.

Ferrari says we need to remember that we don’t become friends or partners with people because of their politics, but because we love them. Keeping this at the forefront of conflict rather than leading with pride or ego is the most important step.

“What people don’t understand is that the need to be right can compete with a relationship.”

*Not his real name.

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