10 Things Parents Do That Lead to Bad Behavior in Their Adult Children

Whether you’re learning how to leave painful childhood experiences behind as an adult child or trying to find ways to parent a child outside of the home, navigating any adult family relationship can be challenging. There’s no “right or wrong” way to understand these challenging family dynamics, but there are certain behaviors that can disrupt a relationship and put everyone’s emotional health at risk.

According to psychologist Jeffrey BernsteinParents who enable their adult children’s bad behavior have some behaviors that are subtly overlooked as benign support. They may feel that they are doing the right thing when in fact they are only hindering their child’s personal development and development into adulthood.

Here are 10 things parents do that facilitate bad behavior in their adult children:

1. They avoid their own unresolved trauma

Old sad woman looking out the window. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

According to the Hanley FoundationMany parents who toxically enable their adult children become stuck in subtle toxic behaviors that often stem from their unresolved trauma. Stuck in a “hero mentality,” or their tendency to please other people, these people prioritize their children’s perceived comfort over their growth or actual support.

By making themselves constantly available and always “picking up the pieces” as they struggle, they just taking away opportunities for their adult children To learn to be self-sufficient, they also sacrifice their own emotional health and healing. Even if they are actively taken advantage of, they are willing to make this possible by putting their own emotions aside to maintain the peace in their relationship.

2. They try to ‘save’ them from life’s difficulties

Adult daughter hugging her grandfather on the couch. Dragana Gordic | shutterstock.com

Helping parents of adult children is not always consciously used by their children; In fact, much of their behavior often stems from an inherent need to maintain an all-inclusive relationship with their family. Sometimes this desire comes from having unmet needs. Perhaps they were not protected or supported in their own childhood, and this now manifests as an innate need to “do better” for their own children.

There is a sense of “overprotection” to some degree. Researchers from Pew Research Center discuss Today, this is becoming more common in parents of young children, which can exempt them from “enabler” labels. But when their children reach adulthood, this protection can become a barrier.

By protecting adult children from financial, social or other life struggles – their children learn to rely entirely on them to live their livesrather than developing their own emotional intelligence, complex thinking, and coping skills.

3. They constantly call and text their children

The old man is texting on his phone. Prostock studio | shutterstock.com

A New York Times article on parental involvement Written by: Claire Cain Miller argues that “most parents” of adult children today are increasingly involved in their children’s lives than they were a few decades ago, but this is necessarily a mistake. There is a balance to be cultivated that separates these healthier relationships from toxic enabling relationships: “give and take.”

Enabling parents, knowingly or unknowingly, interfere in the lives of their adult children to the point of hindering their own personal development and independence, taking away this responsibility themselves and removing the autonomy and challenge of adulthood. They are in constant communication with their children, trying to probe their struggles and help them navigate daily life in a misguidedly unhelpful way.

It’s not healthy for a parent to live with their children, and while texting and calling them frequently isn’t necessarily a sign of it, it can be a child trait. parents who allow their adult children’s bad behavior.

4. They often give advice without being asked

Old man smiles and laughs with his adult daughter. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

Unsolicited advice often leads to feelings of resentment, especially in relationships between parents and their adult children. At some point, parents need to step back, let their children fight their own struggles, and give them a chance to learn true independence, whether they’re comfortable with it or not.

When enabling parents constantly giving unsolicited adviceThey rob their adult children of tiny opportunities to embody their own complex thinking and develop decision-making skills.

5. They provide constant financial support

Old man hugging his mother outside. Maria Sbytova | shutterstock.com

Even in today’s economic climate, more adult children than ever live with their parents out of necessity. Pew Research Center surveyThere are healthy ways to maintain a coexisting relationship socially, emotionally, and financially.

Accordingly parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D.When adult children still contribute to their parents, whether it’s paying rent, shared household responsibilities, or simple quality time, they feel a sense of accomplishment and responsibility that combats resentment.

Similarly, when a parent sets boundaries regarding support with their adult child, they can ensure that they are not compromising their own stability or their adult child’s independence and responsibility. Overlooking bad or immature behavior.

Influential parents tend to ignore these protections by doling out emergency funds and financial support whenever their adult children need it. And they do this even though the opposite would give them a chance to learn a healthy sense of independence and accountability.

6. They take the blame away from their children

The old woman looked uncomfortable texting on her phone. tairome | shutterstock.com

Accordingly psychologist Peg StreepShifting blame is not only damaging to parent-child relationships, but is equally toxic when used to “protect” a family member. When an influencer parent makes excuses for their child and blames other people in their life for their problems, it instills a sense of dependency in them.

Not only does this prevent them from taking responsibility for their own bad behavior and actions, but it also prevents them from learning independence and seeing the big picture as they navigate life struggles and situations.

7. They ignore their own needs

Old couple looking sad and looking at papers. Julia Zavalishina | shutterstock.com

Parents who spend all their time and energy helping their adult children, even up to this point becomes an obstacle dependent on their well-beingthey often don’t have the extra space to take care of themselves. From protecting their personal health, to investing in their social environment and support systems, to protecting their emotional and mental health, they’re at work protecting their children from adulthood.

At the end of the day, they are left alone when their adult children do not need them for anything. They have not been able to enrich their other relationships, they are tired of carrying the burdens of their children, and they no longer have any real interest or motivation to personally improve their own lives.

8. They ignore their children’s harmful or dangerous habits

Shocked woman looking at her phone. Voronaman | shutterstock.com

Unfortunately, as many enabling parents foster codependency in family dynamics, they also have to manage harmful habits and dangerous tendencies in their children’s adult lives. Accordingly A report from Mission Harbor Behavioral HealthThese parents often struggle to separate themselves from their child’s recovery in a healthy way.

They can continue financially supporting an adult child investing in unhealthy habits and sometimes even encouraging them to seek support with unhealthy bad habits to gain comfort in their lives. With better boundaries and real stepping back, these enabling parents can make sure they’re protecting both their own emotional health and the health of their children.

9. They make excuses and fail to reassert their boundaries

Old man looks sad while holding his adult son's hand. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

Most enabling parents aren’t blind to their toxic tendency to be overly forgiving and all-inclusive in their adult child’s life, but they don’t have the confidence or emotional security to truly push their limits.

They may be afraid of losing their child, taking on the burden of changing the family dynamic, or even anxious about dealing with inevitable emotions. The guilt and blame that many parents experience Because they only look after themselves. Despite all these concerns, they continue to put themselves at risk to help their children, hoping that they will eventually learn, grow, or make their own way into adulthood.

10. They are overly critical of their children’s other relationships

Sad old couple sitting together on the sofa. Srdjan Randjlovic | shutterstock.com

These parents, often unconsciously resentful of the burdens they carry to ensure their children’s comfort in adulthood, experience intense emotions and need a place to cope with them. These feelings, which manifest as outward criticism, can be partially addressed and revealed through the child’s other relationships—whether with friends, partners, or peers in their child’s life.

Sometimes Misunderstood as “bully” Rather than enabling, these types of parents tend to be overprotective of their adult children and lose sight of the type of independence and happiness they hope to spark in their children’s lives.

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations and politics and gender studies, focusing on psychology, relationships, personal growth, and human interest stories.