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Narcissists use the ‘shiny siding’ to maintain control. Why?

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Narcissists use the ‘shiny siding’ to maintain control. Why?

“Try to see the good in people.” “Come on… it can’t be that bad.” “You should be grateful to even be somewhere relationship“

If you’ve heard these phrases before, you’ve probably been “enlightened” or told in a tactful, pleasant, or even well-intentioned way to shut up and stop complaining about someone being mean to you.

According to relationship and mental health experts, the “bright side” happens all the time, and it’s something people often do with good intentions. Yet it could have disastrous consequences by minimizing someone’s experience and encouraging people to stay. toxic relationships.

The glossy siding also takes on another level of solemnity. narcissist or is directed at someone who experiences narcissistic abuse.

“This is a kind of hybrid minimization space and gas lighting“says Ramani Durvasulapsychologist and author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing Narcissistic People.” “It’s invalidating for a person who’s going through something, and it’s often a way for the bright side to avoid having to deal with the real problem or discomfort of someone’s pain. In essence, the bright side is toxic positivity“

How to spot ‘shiny siding’

Chelsea ColePsychotherapist and author of “If I Only Knew: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unwavering Self-Worth” describes glossy siding as a kind of gas lighting This includes stating or implying that even in the midst of abuse and trauma, one should look on the bright side.

“The definition alone is deeply problematic because it assumes that trauma survivors who share valid difficulties are guilty of being ‘stuck in the past,’ full of ‘doom and gloom,’ or choosing to be ‘negative’ or ‘ungrateful.’” he adds.

The bright side, according to Cole, is that narcissists also enable narcissists by telling people that their relationships will improve if they just cheer up.

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Instead, she says, the bright side is allowing victims of narcissistic abuse to question their own reality and wonder if their problems are their fault for being “negative,” “ungrateful,” or “cynical” rather than the narcissist’s fault. .

Durvasula and Cole say glossy siding can come in a variety of forms. Here are some examples:

  • “I know your ex-husband criticizes you all the time, but look on the bright side: You don’t have to deal with that anymore.”
  • “Holidays must be a lot easier for you now that you’re not talking to your family anymore.”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”

Durvasula says people show the best side of themselves when they have thoughts like, “Maybe I’m not grateful enough,” “This is part of a bigger plan,” or “This will make me stronger.”

Instead, it is important for people to grieve and process what they have experienced so that they can look on the bright side in a healthy way.

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If you know someone you love is experiencing narcissistic abuse, it may be tempting to look on the bright side, but it often doesn’t work.

“Survivors need validation, understanding and support, not emotional pats on the back,” says Cole.

Feeling on the bright side? Do this instead

If you think you’re on the bright side, Cole offers the following tips:

  • Accept that more than one thing can be true at the same time: “You can feel grateful and sad, anxious and hopeful, lonely and connected.”
  • Don’t accept that everyone will be good for you: “This doesn’t mean you have to cut everyone off, but it does mean it’s okay to be selective about who you open up to.”
  • Validate your experiences: “To ground yourself in reality, make a list of harmful things that happen in your narcissistic relationship and revisit that list whenever you feel optimistic or second-guessing what happened.”

People in general often keep on the bright side of others and themselves because they don’t want to sit with or acknowledge the pain.

“As a culture, and as the world at large, we are more and more uncomfortable with the discomfort, even though we talk about mental health more and more,” says Durvasula.

If someone you love is experiencing narcissistic abuse or other difficulty, be there with them. Often people want to be seen, heard, and understood rather than told to look on the bright side.

“Be with someone who shares something painful,” says Durvasula. “Don’t feel the need to solve or fix it. Be there and witness other people’s pain. Let people know that it’s okay to share the pain and that it’s important to release it. Sometimes there’s nothing good about it; we just need to get to the other side.”

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