My partner won’t stop interrupting me and it’s driving me crazy

I met the perfect woman for me. I love it; smart, curious, charismatic, kind and fun. But he won’t stop interrupting me when I’m talking and it’s driving me crazy.

Most of the time, I can’t even get through a conversation without her interrupting, anticipating what I’m going to say, or adding an anecdote (which may or may not be relevant). Sometimes I say: “Please let me finish” or “Can I continue what I’m saying?” but I don’t think he sees that as a problem; Just a nice, lively conversation.

I’m more introverted than he is, and I want to be able to explore things while chatting while he overlooks hundreds of topics. Or at least get to the end of a thought.

Are we incompatible?

JB, 34

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How wonderful to meet someone who is curious, charismatic, kind and fun. And how annoying it is when he doesn’t let you finish the sentence.

Although speaking enthusiastically in some cultures is normal and quite exciting, for those who aren’t wired in this way (which apparently includes you) it can leave you feeling left out in the cold and wondering why you’re talking like that. You’re annoying. You may feel like you are not being given the time and space to be heard and considered.

I know that for me, such interruptions trigger my “inner manager,” who tries to put people in their place, demanding in an authoritative tone that they behave and listen to me. But I don’t think this is the best solution. “Please let me finish” or “Can I continue what I’m saying?” I wonder what tone of voice you use when you ask?

While I can’t know your girlfriend’s intentions, in my experience with clients, constant interruptions are rarely due to disrespect for others; More generally, they have never learned to truly listen. I’m glad you see this as a sign of enthusiasm in your girlfriend. Sometimes this is a symptom of a neurological difference: ADHD They often have difficulty restraining themselves from sharing their thoughts.

What I learned is this; If I can invite the other person to stop, take a breath, and stay with me in the conversation – knowing that it will be their turn to speak, but knowing that I need to be heard first – then I won’t do that. be disappointed.

The way I successfully achieved this on my own relationships is asking them to listen deeply. This means that before they say anything in response to what I say, they reflect back to me what they think I said, so I can feel heard. In turn, they can sense my interest in the conversation rather than frustration as I struggle with their interruptions.

This is an effective way to see the gaps between what we say and how it reaches another person who accepts it into the world through their own filter. This slows down the conversation and can bring intimacy to any exchange. This requires you to actively listen and reflect your girlfriend’s words back to her; This can prevent self-reflection or a partner from completely monopolizing the conversation.

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You may need a short, sharp sentence like this: “I know how many ideas are floating around in your head right now, and I really want to hear them.”

I love that you see his inquisitive mind: He needs to know that this will be met by someone who appreciates him, rather than someone in the principal role who acts like he’s scolding a kid who doesn’t know what he’s doing. wrong.

What I learned to do both personally and professionally was to take notes so that I could stay present while listening so I could truly connect, rather than get distracted by things I needed to remember. If you hand him a pen and paper so he can record his thoughts while he listens — because you don’t want to miss them — he’ll definitely take it as a compliment. Then when it’s his turn anything can happen.

In a few of my men’s groups, where people really try not to interrupt, we’ve implemented a talking stick where the person holding the stick is the only one talking. But this comes with a health warning: It should not be used to control others or used as a way to dominate the conversation.

I also encourage you to acknowledge that in some conversations or situations, his or her way of connecting may be more appropriate or effective than yours. As you mentioned, you are more introverted: perhaps in larger groups, when the conversation is fun and playful, his quick connections add spark to the conversation. Can you learn something from his conversational style?

My concern with this dynamic, where you feel like you’re constantly being interrupted and your thoughts are expected, is that you’re walking away from conversations for a “quiet life.” I’ve seen this lead to many men withdrawing from partnerships. It’s easy to feel frustrated and eventually conclude that no one is listening, so why bother? I saw it too many relationships were killed It ends in disappointment, anger and ultimately withdrawal.

If you notice this reaction in yourself, I suggest you try to calm down and connect with him instead, inviting him to join you in your silence or sharing his breathing rate and words. If he is waiting for your answers, I would ask: “Do I think so too?” Then there is room for him to find out what you really think and for you to change your mind.

We hope that through open communication, you can meet each other on different levels, for both slow, deep conversations and creative conversations led by moving ideas. That’s when you’ll find out if you and your girlfriend are truly compatible.

If you have a question for Kenny, email him here: [email protected]

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