I ask Eric: The love of my life died, then I found out he was in other relationships

Dear Eric: I lost the love of my life when he died unexpectedly two months ago. I’ve known him for almost 10 years, first as friends and then into serious dating.

A week after his death, I learned that he had another girlfriend and several other partners while we were a couple. Later, her best friend told me that I was her primary relationship, that her emotional connection to me was real, but that monogamy had never been her goal.

Looking back, new information explains aspects of the relationship that I felt were wrong. Grief is complicated by feelings of hurt.

My new dilemma is that he introduces me to my co-workers, friends and family and some of them know or have met my girlfriend and some of them don’t. His narrative about their relationship depended on the audience.

When someone wants to talk to me about how I’m doing or my favorite memories of them, I don’t know what information I should share. I have chosen not to speak ill of anyone who knew him in his memory, but my grief is multi-layered and I want to speak candidly about my experiences. Should I briefly and matter-of-factly say that he has other romantic pursuits?

– Caught in pain

Dear Prisoner: I am so sorry for your loss and I am sorry that your grief has been further complicated by this new information. This is painful and leaves so many things unresolved.

In any grief process, it is wise to choose your target audience. There’s no need to hold back or suppress your emotions, but consider with appropriate caution who might hold this information. And more importantly, who can provide you with the comfort you need and deserve?

Telling the truth about where you are in your grief or the facts you’ve learned about your partner is not gossip. And if the people you talk to can accept two complicated truths—that you love him and that this new information upsets you—you may find some relief.

But before you share your feelings, you’ll want to think about how you want to respond to the follow-up questions people are sure to ask. It’s okay to say you don’t want to give any more details about what you know or suspect. But I don’t want you to be blindsided by intrusive curiosity that could harm your recovery.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. follow him instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at: rericthomas.com.

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