My daughter-in-law is a money thief, my son is a wimp

I’ve known my son’s wife for 20 years and she’s a good woman, but since having children she’s developed a money-making side that I find truly disturbing.

He’ll make jokes about making sure I left a fair share to all my grandchildren in my will (of course I did, but I won’t dignify him with an answer) or make comments about me paying for his eldest son’s swimming expenses. “like I did with his cousin” lessons.

My son always looks weird and looks like he wants to leave the room.

Now, I actually have some money (£10,000) that I would love to give to my son; With two little kids it feels like the perfect time to get useful. But his attitude makes me hesitate: I don’t know if he will appreciate it, if he will control how my son spends the money, or if he will even ask for more. What do I do?

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Money grabber is such a strong term, and how interesting that this side of him that you find so unpleasant only comes to light after you have children. This situation is also very uncomfortable for your son, so much so that he squirms and wants to leave the room.

Instead of you getting distracted of the bride Maybe it’s time for you or your son to ask what’s behind this. I think it would be kinder to help him feel safe, so that he does not have to get to the brink of being capricious, greedy, which carries the risk of him becoming an “enemy”.

I find it interesting that your son seems to be playing a passive role. Apparently, he didn’t have a private conversation with her to explain his discomfort when she spoke that way, or more importantly, to find out the real reason.

I recommend you talk to your son. Find out their financial situation. Are they in need? Is it yours? bride Are they expressing concern because their family is struggling? Perhaps they are finding the cost of living difficult and your son has his head buried in the sand while he tries to pull himself together. Maybe they made mistakes with money. Maybe he feels insecure about the future. You won’t know unless you ask, but you may find that they’ll appreciate guidance and support in understanding how to manage their finances. Have you shared your experiences of juggling time, money and love with a young family?

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I think it’s important to let your son know that you notice how odd he looks when you imply and reassure him that he shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in front of you. Explain that you respect that she is a mother who wants the best for her children, and that this is one way to ensure that whoever has money gets their fair share.

Ask your son gently what he feels behind this. Were there any hardships or tragedies he or his family might have experienced? Often when it comes to financial insecurities, especially insecurities that are projected onto children, it’s a fear or pain from the past that he doesn’t want his children to suffer. Sometimes it’s easier to be kind when we understand why someone you describe as a good woman would engage in behavior we find so unpleasant.

I also recommend talking to your son about communication with his partner and gently asking him why he hasn’t talked about it with her. As the head of the family, does he leave this matter between you and him? Do you think this is your role? Is he worried about conflict with his wife? Is their relationship in trouble more broadly? He might appreciate you chatting about his reticence.

It’s also worth questioning why you found what you were looking for. of the bride Talking about money is as unpleasant as you are. Do you think he sees you as a pile of money rather than loving you as a person; Do you find any talk of money unpleasant? Do you see it as a free family because it is a more distant family than your sons? Maybe money is rarely discussed in your family, but in his family it’s an open and playful topic.

I invite you to consider his comments in the context of his broader relationship with you: Do you have a strong relationship when he’s not making these comments? What is your role in her life and the lives of her children? Does he have a father with him? Are you this figure for him?

As for the jokes about leaving the fair? share of money: Rather than withdrawing or feeling like you wouldn’t honor her with a response, I’m curious about reassuring her that you intend to care for your grandchildren fairly and that you love them all. It may seem obvious to you, but it sounds like he needs reassurance. I suspect he just keeps going because he can’t be heard, and I hope for all of your sakes that this can put an end to those awkward moments.

The last thing you would like to give is £10,000 – what a generous gesture. Unless your son has an immediate need, I believe it would be much wiser to help shift the tension here before you do so, so this is done with love and is an open-handed gift rather than a cranky or conditional gesture. This can lead to resentment on both sides.

Encouraging compassionate communication between your son and daughter-in-law is crucial for him to feel safe sharing his concerns. But if he is reluctant to confront the situation himself, I would consider modeling this for him, and the next time he makes a joke, I would reassure him and ask about the source of his concerns from a position of care and support rather than discomfort.

Hopefully, for your sake, the whole family can breathe a sigh of relief once they identify where they’re coming from. In the meantime, put the money in an ISA and hopefully you can roll it over when the time comes.

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