How Do Permissive Parents Harm Their Children?

When Terrie moves to the city and joins the locals parenthood She was surprised to see so many people in the group share stories about challenges with their children’s behavior. Many of these comments came with groans of dismay and shared stories about restaurant fiascos and lost TV privileges. After several meetings, Terrie admitted that she had never had to set boundaries with eight-year-old Elizabeth and that time-outs were extremely rare.

“I guess he’s just an easy kid,” Terrie said with a shrug.

Source: Annie Spratt / Unsplash

Although most others left that meeting green that day envyAfter getting to know Terrie and her daughter better, the truth came out. When Elizabeth played with children her own age on the playground, she was often seen as demanding. his peer group there was She was going to play Elizabeth’s games, and no, she had no intention of taking turns. Elizabeth would sulk or throw fits when she didn’t get her way, making her appear much less emotionally mature than her peers. Eventually, most of his friends moved away, but he managed to retain himself. friendship One shy A girl who seemed happy to do whatever Elizabeth asked. Terrie was happy that at least one of the girls at school realized how “special” she was.

Elizabeth turned out to be an “easy child” as Terrie gave her everything she wanted.

Will you stay awake past bedtime? Of course. Buying a new toy from Target this week even though you already bought two? Ok my love. Have you skipped housework again? Of course, you can focus on being a kid and your schoolwork, and I’ll clean up.

Permissive Parent

Terrie, tolerant/permissive parental attitude. This is most typically characterized by direct and pervasive parental overindulgence. The child is provided with almost everything he wants, and in some cases everything money can buy. She is seen as more “special” than other children, more beautiful than other children, cuter than other children, more popular than other children, or simply put, better in every aspect. Therefore it deserves special treatment. He doesn’t need to “worry his pretty little head” about trivial things or the duties and obligations of daily life. The child is overvalued and the relationship is overrated. babysitting And attention It is accompanied by limited demands.

How Permissive Parents “See” and “Treat” Their Children

Critical elements in a tolerant/permissive parental attitude are the parent’s child’s appearance privately and with parents treatment The child is characterized by a lack of discipline and a general pattern of tolerance child’s appearance And treatment of the child).

The combination of this dysfunctional view of the child and this dysfunctional treatment of the child authority. Elizabeth believes she deserves to be the one choosing the games on the playground. He believes their game is fundamentally better and everyone should accept that. He accepted neither the mature limits on himself nor the realistic limits common to all healthy relationships.

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Tolerance Has Significant Psychological Consequences

If the child’s grandiose or inflated view is not tempered through boundary setting and frustration, the child clings to his own view. better than others and comes We expect special treatment in the form of enthusiastic care and pampering. This type of child appears “spoiled” and is ultimately emotionally immature and ill-equipped to form mutually healthy relationships. Whatever their presentation to the world, they beneficiary.

Not all children respond to this model of tolerance the way Elizabeth did. Some like Terrie’s daughter extremely challenging And quite unpleasant While they insist on having their own way, others remain entitled and desirous of special treatment, even if they are less demanding than others. Both types of children are presented as entitled, but the latter appears to be better socialized and more cooperative than the other. The former is prone to tantrums and verbal aggression, while the latter tends to beg his parents for the things he wants.

Interestingly, parental indulgence can make children appear more mature than they actually are for a while, especially when they are young. Parents may explain that their child doesn’t throw many tantrums, but this apparent resilience is a result of the child not having been exposed to much frustration. However, as the indulgent child spends more time away from home, real-world frustrations cannot be avoided and are poorly managed. The previously well-adjusted child throws tantrums, says harsh things to friends, breaks down in tears too often, or acts aggressively toward others.

Contribution to Tolerance and Character Flaws

Tolerance has a price in terms of a child’s development. There are a number of potential areas that could lead to negative consequences. Here’s a list of some of the most likely areas. Interestingly, all possible immaturities are associated with: narcissism

Low frustration tolerance: Difficulty tolerating disappointment creates problems throughout life.

Poor Anger Management: Problems in controlling anger cause a type of emotional immaturity. A problem with anger to manage Is this the adult version of this? childhood Deficiency if the basic problem is not solved.

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Sense of Authority: Waiting for what you want to happen and getting upset when it doesn’t happen is a damn trait. Being demanding damages any relationship and interferes with both intimate and more superficial bonds.

“Better” Attitude: The sense of superiority is problematic from the very beginning. It makes mature, reciprocal relationships impossible and contributes to being disliked by peers, co-workers, and friends.

Fixing Parental Indulgence and Reversing Course

It bears repeating that the right amount of warmth and appropriate boundaries will help parents like Terrie get their children back on track with good development.

Tolerant parents can change. They can find their way back to the healthy center. They can learn to set appropriate limits, ask their children to do chores and help around the house, and resist their children’s demands to have their way or be given everything they desire.

They might say “no” to a new sweatshirt and ask it to wait until their birthday or Christmas. They can finish cleaning their room even if it feels overwhelming. Even though it’s not as fun as they thought, they can still finish the semester of tap lessons without quitting early. Developing frustration tolerance and patience through age-appropriate frustration, struggle, and longing is good for children, a topic I discuss in my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies for Raising Selfish, Unjust, and Empathetic Children.

This is not always easy. Parents must work to find the right balance between disappointing and fulfilling their children’s desires, demanding that they expect and work for what is desired, while maintaining unconditional love and keeping support constant. Children must strive to mature in healthy ways and confidence for the benefit of persistence and success. Success without effort and satisfaction without investment undermine the development of the basic structures that ensure health and maturity.

*A version of this blog post was published on drmaryannlittle.com.