All These Presidential Campaign Emails Look Like Your Drunk Ex

Psychologists, digital health experts and my smart friends I recommend not reaching for your phone first thing in the morning.It claims that notifications and to-dos, rings and pings instantly compete for your attention, accelerating the natural waking process and disrupting your internal rhythm without beating the drums by turning the tap of dopamine gush wide. chance to step in.

However, I have a streak of over a year New York Times So I’m sure any doctor worthy of the Hippocratic Oath would have given me a doctor’s note stating that I was an exception to this established science.

But lately, I’m starting to think that maybe science is right about the negative effects of browsing through my inbox before my first (or second, or rather third) cup of coffee.

One day last week, the first scroll of the day collected the following subject lines, all taken a few hours apart while I slept: “The timing is not good at all.” “There’s no time to waste.” “Kase, is there anything we can say?” “You deserve an explanation Kase…”

These aren’t from a dirty ex, Kamala Harris‘s presidential campaign and other groups that directly support him. They want two minutes of me, they want three minutes to $47. to explainthey have some bad news to share. A particularly bleak recent subject line read: “Beaten.”

They’re asking for a lot of things, but I, I don’t know, want a neck massage to recover from the blow of the optimism and can-do attitude I’ve seen during Harris’ rallies compared to the downright stinky air invading my inbox. up to a dozen times a day. If a person were sending me these messages, I would ask them if they were okay, gently remind them that even though we were broken up, I still cared about them, wanted the best for them, and was happy to lead. get them the help they need.

A week before Election Day, I can’t help but look at the morning dose of destruction I emailed and think: “This is not the jolly warrior I fell in love with over the summer.” Do you remember what it felt like to watch the DNC this summer? Remember how everything was fun? It’s definitely not in my inbox.

Listen, I’m not new here. I know how important it is for the steady trickle of donations to keep the wheels of the campaign bus turning for another week, and campaign vets tell me that, yes, the volume and alarmist tone of campaign emails vary algorithmically. I have found that dark art is tested and optimized, and the communications teams that lead me to destruction are often cordoned off from the campaign’s main communications team. “This is not the same Kamala Harris,” Kamala Harris, speaking before a church congregation in Philadelphia on Sunday and saying voters stand together in the fight to defend freedom, that they know we have more in common than what divides us, “this is not the same Kamala Harris that popped into my inbox the night before, absolutely soul-crushingly.” falling person subject line “Spending. Connected. “It’s not enough.” Remarkable, you have to give it that at least.

And, hey, the other team survives on a steady diet of spam, albeit less like your “sad ex-boyfriend who won’t stop calling” and more like actual spam emails. Donald Trump‘s campaign is just “Congratulations!” He returns again and again to the topics he wrote about. And “Please!” Another notable repetition is that only the recipient’s name is repeated three times: “Bowl Bowl“Another:”I love you! I love you! I love you!“This Nigerian prince will be very pleased with you buy MAGA hat. Another notable letter is simply titled:Fork!The exaggerated free-association quality of the Trump campaign’s emails more closely matches his in-person persona (though call me when you catch this guy saying “please”), but the frequency and drama are at least within standard deviation for both. campaigns.

Election Day is in a week, and our inboxes will surely breathe a sigh of relief knowing we’ll soon be choosing between these two options:I’ve just been accused again!” And “deeply concerned.” finally.