Empathy in Relationships | Psychology Today

The man said, “I am the one who came to your door.”

“Go away, not now, this is not the time.

There is no room for raw materials here.”

Then the poor fellow walked out the door.

And for a year he went away, his mind and his heart

We were burned by the world,

until it finally came once more.

And he knocked on his friend’s door again.

His heart is in his mouth fear.

“Who is at my door?” his friend asked.

“Is it you, my closest friend?”

“No, it’s you at the door, it’s not me anymore.”

“Then come to my house, I can say this,

“There is little or no room for two.”

-Mevlana (1273/2000, p. 59)

Sometimes it’s hard to open doors in any relationship. Our job is to keep trying.

Source: Annie Spratt / Unsplash

As implied in Rumi’s epigraph above, relationships do not go well with selfishness. When one partner focuses more on themselves than the other, the relationship becomes unhealthy as communication and connection levels suffer. In this article, we will examine the nature of empathy as a critical element of any relationship by defining it in a relational context and then assessing its importance by applying it to a scenario.

What is empathy?

Empathy involves a psychological and emotional understanding of another person’s experiences (Stein, 1916/1989). It extends beyond sympathy (Greek: pathos or experience/pain), which implies merely feeling the pain of another. In other words, a empathetic the partner tries to put himself in the other’s shoes. If a person cannot think of anyone other than himself, as in Mevlana’s situation above, there is no real relationship.

Edith Stein (1891-1942), a pioneer in phenomenology, sought to understand the empirical essence of empathy and what makes it unique to human nature. When we divide the analysis into three levels, we can say that understanding empathy requires asking three questions that can help partners see themselves and their relationships better:

(Q1) What is my partner experiencing or experiencing? (learned through observation and listening)

(Q2) How do I perceive this experience now? (sympathy)

(Q3) What do we do about this shared understanding of experience (after we talk about it)? (empathy requires action)

If we apply this model to our relationships, it can help clarify the role of empathy in coping with challenges.

Why is empathy important in relationships?

Empathy is important for relationships because it can provide insight into the psychological nature of our loved ones, especially in times of crisis. If we approach our partner (and ourselves) with compassion, we can learn to develop our relationship as friends rather than enemies (Culkin, 2023; Kirmayer, 2021). One previous post (2023), I discussed how self-compassion can be strengthened awarenesstrust and kindness – essential components of any constructive relationship.

Let’s say your partner is looking down at home one evening and depressed. He said his sister called this afternoon and told him that his father was in the hospital with a terminal illness and that he did not have long to live. The conversation can go in various directions, but let’s analyze it from an empathetic perspective on the one hand, and a non-empathetic (perhaps just sympathetic) perspective on the other:

Empathy in a conversation.

Source: David Culkin

Solution

We examined the nature of empathy as a critical element of any relationship by defining it and applying the concept to an imaginary scenario to illustrate how ubiquitous it is in our lives. Empathy is a powerful tool in our relationship toolbox if we choose to use it.