Therapists Are Sharing Thin Green Flags That Prove You’re Together Forever, And I’m Angrily Writing Them Into My Notes App

Ask most people how they know themselves. long term partner was “it” and they will half shrug. They might say, “I don’t know, something happened,” or they might say, “I knew at one point.”

This is nice for them, but if you’re single and looking for clues, it doesn’t help you much.

But even if your friends can’t say anything specific, there like that Here are a few common characteristics that good partners and relationships have from the very beginning. Below, people who work with couples and singles (matchmakers, therapists, psychologists) share eight subtle signs that you’ve found the person you’re looking for.

1. You love being together but encourage your partner to have a separate life outside of your relationship.

Matchmaker Alyssa Park hears many men and women complain about past relationships where their partners spent too much time with their friends. They’re looking at this wrong, he tells his clients: In a solid relationship—a relationship that’s growing apart—time spent apart is a feature, not a bug.

“The best matches are ones where both partners feel safe enough to support their partner’s passions outside of the relationship,” said Park, who works at Park. Three Day Rule Matchmakinghe told HuffPost. “Whether it’s taking up a new hobby or hanging out with friends and family, you’re growing as an individual and bringing that sense of self and growth back into your relationship.”

2. They care about your opinions, and you care about theirs.

It doesn’t matter if you’re talking politics, the day’s horoscope, or what your weird uncle Joe said after drinking too much on Christmas, when you share your thoughts your SO really wants to hear them. The same goes for you; You are genuinely interested in your partner’s opinion. (Even if you don’t agree, you enjoy exchanging ideas.)

“The person who asks and listens to your ideas and feelings, and better yet, remembers what you say and then builds on it, is the person you know you can communicate with,” he said. Tina Tessinapsychotherapist and co-author How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free? “You want someone who responds with empathy, sincerity, and compassion.”

3. There is an almost immediate sense of familiarity.

Yes, the concept of soulmates and instantly connecting with someone is a bit corny. But people who meet their partners often report feeling an uncanny sense of closeness from the very beginning, he said. Carmen Harrapsychologist and writer The Queens of Karma’s Guide to Relationships.

“You immediately get a sense of familiarity,” he said. “His touch, his smell, his taste, his mannerisms, his language – it will be comforting and recognizable to you. You may even feel a strange sense of déjà vu, as if that moment had already happened, perhaps a long time ago, in a different environment.”

4. You are comfortable being vulnerable around them.

In therapy, Laura Hecka marriage and family therapist in Salt Lake City and co-host of “Marriage Therapy Radio,” has a phrase she likes to use with single and dating clients. A person worth your time, he tells them, will be kind to your “permanent vulnerability.” Persistent vulnerability, he says, consists of “little-known, soft places that we hide from strangers,” but when activated can often be the source of great emotional pain.

You know you’ve found a protector when you’re vulnerable enough to share your secret pain and suffering, and he or she will handle that information with care and empathy. Once they know this information, they won’t use it against you; They use their words to support you.

“I think of a client who was madly in love with her husband because he went above and beyond to show her all the ways she was smart, imaginative, and inventive in her daily life,” she said. “He knew he carried an old, hurtful story about being slow because he struggled with dyslexia at school for years. This is what happens when you’re with someone who respects your enduring vulnerability.

5. It’s okay for you to be bored when you’re around each other.

This may seem like an odd outlier, but you know you’ve met someone when you both feel comfortable doing nothing together, Park said.

“It’s easy to feel chemistry in the early stages of dating because you’re always doing something exciting or different together,” she said. “The real test of compatibility is whether you’re happy to do simple things together, like grocery shopping or folding laundry.”

6. You fight fair.

The myth of a conflict-free relationship is exactly that: such a legend. The real sign of a lasting relationship is not a lack of arguments, but knowing how to resolve those inevitable conflicts.

“Relationships won’t always be in the honeymoon phase,” Park said. “The difference between a failed relationship and your lasting one is how you handle conflict together: The moment you start blaming each other is the moment you stop working as a team. On the other hand, discussing different points of view in an open and healthy way can bring you closer to each other.”

7. They are affectionate, and not just because they are looking for sex.

Affection – sweet compliments that come out of the blue or little pats on the ass when no one is looking – is the special sauce of long-term relationships. Tessina said being able to express positive feelings towards each other helps you get through awkward moments, get through fights, and reassure each other that your love is still strong. Your forever person should be comfortable being affectionate towards you—and not just because he wants to have sex.

“While sex is important and you both deserve to have your sexual needs met, a person who sulks if affection does not lead to sex is emotionally immature,” Tessina said. “A good partner won’t hesitate to touch you, say loving things, or be close to you in non-sexual situations.”

8. You describe your relationship as “easy.”

You often hear long-term couples say that a relationship is “hard work.” While there is definitely some truth to this, it shouldn’t be exhausting, I don’t know if I can do this anymore, it’s such a hard job. With the right partner, there may be ups and downs here and there, but overall your relationship is relatively easy.

“When couples describe their courtship as ‘easy,’ I know they have found their match,” Heck said. “Toxic relationships can be exciting, draining, seductive, and difficult to let go of. But the goal is a friendship that quietly grows into a deep, meaningful love.”

In other words, don’t throw away a relationship just because it isn’t full of drama; embrace it because it is more or less drama free.

“Easy relationships can be brushed aside without being given a chance because there seems to be no ‘heat’… but believe me, the heat is in friendship, not make-up sex,” she said.

This article was first published on: HuffPost.