I ask Eric: My daughter-in-law won't talk to me after I refuse to give her money

Dear Eric: It has always been easy to offend one of my daughters-in-law. This situation, which has been excluded from people for years, also runs in his family. I’ve tried to be loving and caring but I always fall short.

Eighteen months ago she had a medical emergency and our son asked us to come. While at their home, my daughter-in-law started talking about their financial situation and asking my opinion on what they should do. I suggested that maybe they should start planning for the future instead of living in the moment. Everything seemed fine for a while. Then came the anger, the pain, and everything that came with it.

Later I realized that he had asked me to offer to help them financially. We are retired and we earn almost a third of what they earn.

He stopped talking to us and we left. He immediately cut off all communication with us after he sent me a really hateful email.

He also told one of our adult grandchildren that I said things about that grandchild that were not true.

Now our son is only offering to forgive and forget on behalf of his wife. I actually enjoyed not having to guard every word I said and all the drama that came with it. I don’t believe I can trust him any more than I used to. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I hate this but it’s true. Any advice?

—Not for Criminal Purposes

Dear Sorry: I see red flags everywhere here. There are so many flags it looks like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. It is unconscionable for your child to lie about you; Too bad he cut off contact after you refused to give him money; It’s worrying how easily he takes offense. Legitimate attack is one thing, but the way he uses it seems more manipulative. You are right not to want to be involved in manipulation.

Your son asks you to forgive and forget, but has he really asked for forgiveness? Or did it ever reach you? I’m not saying he can’t be unapologetically forgiven, but he crossed more than one line and he needs to admit that.

Sometimes I’m a fan of “forgive and remember.” He has a pattern of behavior that makes it difficult to trust him again unless he changes. Ideally, you can talk to him and tell him how his actions are affecting you and he can make amends. If he is not going to do this, it would be wise to keep a polite distance.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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