Dear Annie: Restricting contact with in-laws has destroyed the family dynamic

Dear Annie:

I find myself questioning everything. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I’ve known this since I was 13 years old, living on the streets and trying to understand life.

My goal as an adult was to not bring my childhood trauma into my relationships. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 20 years. We share three children together.

My question starts with this. Two years ago, during a family trip, my husband’s only sister told me that the only reason she and I had a relationship was because I invited her to things. During that same trip, she told me that my stillborn babies “didn’t count”, but her own stillborn and miscarried babies did.

When I talked to my wife about this, she suggested I look at the last six months of our communication, more than 90% of which I initiated. All holiday gatherings were planned by me, or I started asking what the plans were, which led to someone else planning them. My requests were always within two weeks of the holiday.

Because of this sudden revelation, I decided to reduce communication. I limited myself to communicating with each family member once a month. The family doesn’t get together anymore. They rarely chat, and when they do get together there is a lot of tension, or only half the family is invited because someone forgot the other half.

I feel great guilt because I feel like it’s my fault. My logical side tells me that if I had never had a relationship with my husband, their family would have been like this anyway. My questions are: Is it my fault that my mother-in-law’s family ties are weak because I have been in charge for the last 20 years? Was it my traumas from the past or my very healthy choice to cut off contact with my family that caused this?

Other than realizing that I tend to over-analyze and plan everything out because of my past (I’m used to needing to know where I’ll eat and sleep through the night) or get frustrated with the lack of support for my stillborn children and my husband’s family’s poor efforts to build a relationship, there’s no mistaking this. Did I do something? How can I fix this?

My husband constantly gossips and uses harsh words, his father’s bad treatment of his mother, etc. He doesn’t want to have a relationship with his family because of toxic behavior like he doesn’t want to be around. I guess my real question is: what obligations do I have here? — Reluctant Family Coordinator

Dear reluctant:

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and you are not responsible for the poor family dynamics here. It’s exhausting being the glue that holds everything together; in this case, making sure your husband’s family treats each other like family. In a healthy family structure request Having strong relationships with each other and with you. Moreover, your sister-in-law’s snide comments about your past pregnancies are extremely hurtful. These people are lucky to have someone like you to bring them together, but it’s not your job to keep doing that.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” It’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology of her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and compromise is available in paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send questions to Annie Lane at: [email protected].

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