10 Traits of Parents Who Walk All Over Their Adult Children

Developing healthy parent-child relationships in adulthood can be complex, complex, and demanding for everyone involved, especially as people’s lives change, priorities shift, and family dynamics evolve. However, parents who are carried around by their adult children tend to overestimate the grace their children deserve, suspending their own emotional and physical needs for the sake of family tranquility.

While dealing with their own internal struggles, they ignore the harmful nature of their relationships, devoting time and energy to their children, which only triggers a cycle of resentment, mistrust, and ignorance.

Here are 10 characteristics of parents who are carried around by their adult children

1. Loners

Old woman looks sad and lonely at home. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

It is in our human nature to seek connection and long for healthy, fulfilling and safe relationships. Even when we are aware of the toxicity of an adult child or partner, we are willing to extend grace to them in order to combat loneliness and try to preserve the sanctity of a relationship.

Accordingly A study from the European Journal of AgingParents with unsupportive or selfish adult children experience higher rates of loneliness than their peers with healthier family dynamics. Especially if they feel guilty or shamed by their children, their tendency to please people continues, fueling a toxic cycle of approval-seeking and distrust.

be in A toxic relationship, especially one in your familyIt can feel more isolating than connecting.

2. They have difficulty setting boundaries

The old woman looked sad while looking out the window. God | shutterstock.com

Although experiences from childhood and general family dynamics may seem like a “religion” that cannot be questioned or changed, at least According to family therapist Merle YostThere are ways to promote a healthier dynamic that not only makes life easier for everyone, but also eliminates unnecessary stress and anxiety in the parent-child relationship.

Setting boundaries is a relatively obscure process, despite being widely labeled as important in self-help circles; this can make the act of truly protecting personal space or emotional well-being difficult for parents; They don’t know where to start. While it’s important to lead with empathetic responses and compassion, the most important part of mastering healthy boundaries is knowing yourself.

What do you want? What’s bothering you? What is completely in your power and what you can never control? When do you feel most like yourself? By asking yourself these questions, you can clearly define what boundaries look like for you. not controlling the behavior of othersbut to set expectations for what you will tolerate in your space.

3. They use passive aggression instead of assertiveness

Adult son looks sad next to his father. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

Many people who struggle to assert themselves are afraid of conflict or the discomfort of speaking openly about what they need; whether it’s an internal struggle or anxiety about another person’s reaction. By using passive aggression, they can control the other person’s reaction while also venting some of their frustrations without direct confrontation.

But, Passive-aggressive behavior only creates resentment in relationshipsespecially if neither party is committed to establishing healthy boundaries that mandate a clear distinction between space and energy. Accordingly, passive behavior A study from the International Journal of Women’s DermatologyIt is almost always perceived by others as “weak” or ineffective, reinforcing an adult child’s desire and ability to walk all over their parents.

4. They are people – please

Adult son hugging his grandfather outside. Chokniti Studio | shutterstock.com

While childhood trauma is often discussed from the perspective of an adult child, many parents struggling with their own unresolved traumaIt informs them how to parent their children into adulthood. They are often financially or emotionally abused by their children because they fall prey to people-pleasing behavior.

Coping with their own trauma by trying to protect themselves from conflict, these parents tend to go out of their way to protect their adult children’s happiness and comfort, even at their own expense. This toxic cycle of having their needs not met, being dragged around all over the place by their adult children, and not being able to set appropriate boundaries only leads to resentment in parents and ultimately creates a truly unhealthy emotional foundation for them to build a healthy relationship.

5. They are insecure

Adult man looking angry and upset on the couch. Hryshchyshen Serhii | shutterstock.com

While many emotional conflicts and toxic behaviors stem from insecurity, parents who allow their adult children to walk all over them have a complex and thorny relationship with their self-esteem. Their children’s happiness may be ingrained in theirs, but they also have self-esteem issues due to their inability to stand up for themselves or advocate for themselves. putting one’s own needs on hold for others.

Even if they acknowledge that their adult children are toxic to their emotional and physical health relationship coach Lisa Lieberman-Wang arguesThese parents still struggle with self-esteem issues because they are unable to make decisions or set boundaries that are in their best interest.

6. They do not prioritize self-compassion

Adult man looking angry looking at camera. Inside the Creative House | shutterstock.com

Although self-esteem and self-compassion are inherently intertwined, parents who are oppressed by their adult children often have problems showing general kindness, grace, and empathy to themselves in their daily lives. Accordingly Research from Social and Personality Psychology CompassThe ability to practice self-compassion on a daily basis is actually more impactful on our mental health than self-esteem.

With tendencies to please peopleThese parents are more interested in external validation and recognition than self-compassion, relying on other people, especially their children, to validate their own feelings and empathize with their difficult emotions. In many cases, they fail to reaffirm their parents, and this restarts the cycle of constant tracking and disappointment with every interaction.

7. They seek external approval

The old woman looked sad while sitting at home. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

Mindset coach Helen Lee Moon discusses We think all humans are wired to avoid rejection in their relationships with a romantic partner, a parent, or an adult child. For many parents, who derive most of their validation from their relationships with their children, learning how to develop a healthy relationship with themselves based on internal validation and emotional intelligence feels impossible.

Without a balance of mutual gratitude and affirmation between parents and their adult children, resentment grows beneath the surface and contributes to shame and guilt that fuel a parent’s people-pleasing tendencies toward their child.

8. They have unresolved childhood trauma

A woman holding her head in her hands while her partner sits next to her. Face Stock | shutterstock.com

Accordingly Research from Blue Moon Senior ConsultingOlder people are at higher risk for PTSD symptoms as they age; These symptoms often stem from unresolved childhood trauma that they did not have accessible resources or knowledge to heal from early in their lives.

Unlike adult children, especially those who over-analyze their childhood or have more helpful therapy tools and mental health information, these parents tend to push their own struggles and emotions aside in response to shame about their parenting style and their own parenting style. experiences.

For adults who already struggle with anxiety or depression, developing emotional intelligence and effective communication styles in adulthood can be challenging. isolating them from a healthy relationship with their children and the ability to defend one’s own personal boundaries.

9. They are extremely generous

Adult daughter smiles and hugs her mother. Fizkes | shutterstock.com

While parents who are carried around by their children largely struggle with emotional turmoil and poor boundaries, there are also more subtle and unsuspecting traits that can contribute to a toxic dynamic, such as generosity.

When they are willing to do things for others, show kindness and make excuses to children they love, and are willing to help whenever possible, they can unknowingly create a dynamic in which their own needs are constantly going unmet. Generosity is not inherently a bad trait; In fact, it is present in many healthy relationships. But knowing when to do it Step back, put yourself firstIt is important to establish boundaries, especially for kind-hearted and compassionate people.

10. They trust others very easily

Adult girl smiling between her two parents. People Paintings Yuri A | shutterstock.com

Overtrusting people can help adults make easy connections and make new friends without difficulty, but it can also contribute to anxiety, guilt, and toxic dynamics in potentially incredibly satisfying relationships.

When parents make excuses for their adult children, they only reveal the types of behavior they are prepared to accept in their lives at the expense of their own well-being. They may tend to ignore toxic behavior, feel guilty when they doubt their child, or make decisions that go against their own needs.

According to important, even necessary Research from the book “Social Psychology: Foundations of Interpersonal Trust”, A healthy relationship requires trust, but when it is one-sided or rewarded prematurely, this only triggers a cycle in which one parent is abused unnoticed.

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango, focusing on health and wellness, social policy and human interest stories.