Miss Manners: Please stop calling and texting my dead brother

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother died of a sudden heart attack while having dinner with friends. One of his friends called me and I immediately went to the hospital, but it was too late.

Someone at the hospital gave me a bag containing my brother’s belongings, and I went out to call family and friends, console my family, make funeral arrangements, grieve, etc. While I was dealing with things, I took them home and put them in the closet. (My brother was unmarried, and didn’t have a serious girlfriend at the time.)

A few days later, I decided to sort through the bag full of my personal belongings and there I came across my brother’s cell phone. It was out of power and needed charging, so I plugged it in. Almost immediately, he started sending me messages, the vast majority of which were condolence messages from my brother’s colleagues. Many signed their names “John Doe, Position at Company.”

Is it acceptable to send a condolence message to the deceased person’s phone in the hope that a family member will read it? I sent each of them a brief thank you, signing them “from the family.” Was this an acceptable way to handle the situation?

Some of those who sent messages then started calling my brother’s phone. When I responded, some were polite and courteous and wanted to re-express their condolences. But others were curious and inquisitive (“How did he die? How long did it take for the ambulance to arrive? Who was with him?” etc.), which made me regret answering.

I considered calling my brother’s boss just to ask him to tell everyone to stop calling.

What is the correct procedure in such a situation?

kind reader: Knowingly calling a dead person’s phone is sick and frankly lazy. Not only does it fail to replace a proper condolence letter, it also offends and confuses a grieving family.

The obvious solution is to disconnect the phone line. But if you can’t stop calling your brother’s boss, Ms. Manners suggests you at least do so with an excuse: Let him know where and when the service will be, or at least where his colleagues can send appropriate written condolences if they so choose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I met a very well-known person at an evening event. Even though I was glad to meet him, it was impossible not to notice that something was stuck between his two front teeth when he smiled or talked.

If it were an old friend, I would tell him about this immediately and secretly. However, since this was our first date, I thought it would be inappropriate to do so and didn’t say anything.

Was I wrong? What could or should I have done?

kind reader: She immediately and secretly told him about it. Ms. Manners assures that one need not become an old friend to avoid unnecessary embarrassment to another person.

And who knows? The resulting gratitude could make you a new old friend.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at www.missmanners.com; To the e-mail [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syntaining, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.