Relationship Expert: 4 Ways to Share Your Baggage with a Man Without Scaring Him

Dating someone new can be exciting and even lead to love. When getting serious with someone, it’s important to be open and vulnerable with them.

This can be scary for some people and can cause someone to self-sabotage a great relationship because they are afraid. If we want the rewards of being loved, we must endure the shameful ordeal of being known. we asked YourTango expert and psychotherapist Abby Rodman For advice on sharing the baggage of your past with a new lover.

4 ways to share your luggage with a man without scaring him:

1. Don’t share on the first date

“Big secrets in relationships “Don’t try,” says Rodman, who is also the author of the book Should You Marry Him?? “They build walls and put distance between partners.” There is no concrete rule about the right time to come clean.

You want to avoid surprises, especially surprises that could harm your new romantic partner, but taking time to build trust It is completely normal. A person needs to know if you have a sexually transmitted disease before having an intimate relationship. But no one needs to hear about your cheating ex on the first date.

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2. Remember that not every secret needs to be shared

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The good news is that you don’t have to tell your new partner everything. “I’m not even sure we can ask or expect that from our partners,” Rodman says. “Skeletons are essentially mysteries, and sometimes it’s best to leave them alone.” But, leaves us defenseless Trusting others also builds relationships, Research in 2019 shows that. Rodman suggests asking yourself these questions when deciding what to share with a new partner:

C. What is my higher-order goal in revealing this secret to my partner?

B. Does the nature/length of this relationship match my descriptions?

C. Am I safe in knowing that my partner will treat my confession with respect and love?

D. Will I do more good than harm by uncovering this skeleton?

RELATING TO: 5 Signs Your Emotional Baggage is Seriously Sabotaging Your Relationship

3. Before you say something, think about how you want to say it

You can share spontaneously, but if you think about what you want to say and anticipate how your partner will react, it’ll be easier for everyone involved. Rodman suggests talking about this with a close friend or therapist first, so you can find a way to reveal your truth in a way that won’t embarrass you.

If You are in a loving, supportive relationshipAdmitting your past won’t change how your partner feels about you, but he or she may still be surprised or upset by what you share. The most important thing for both of you is to react respectfully to each other’s feelings.

“If you’re about to reveal something painful to your partner, let them know that you’re about to share with them something that’s difficult for you,” Rodman advises. “Let him know that you are afraid he will judge you or even abandon you after receiving this information. Give him a chance to respond to that feeling inside you, and not just the skeleton itself.”

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4. Observe how someone reacts to a small post before revealing a big post

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Putting yourself out there and revealing your secrets is difficult, but it can also come with great reward. knowing you are with the right person. Observe closely how your partner reacts to your disclosure, both in the long and short term.

Maybe he will reciprocate and reveal his own personal information or express sympathy for something that happened to you. Their actions may change for the better in light of what you share. sharing secrets, Research from the state of 2023It makes people feel closer to each other.

The most important thing is to feel accepted, not to be judged for what happened in the past. “When you share a secret with the right partner, they now have the honor of keeping that secret, especially if it’s caused you a lot of pain,” says Rodman.

“This gives you the opportunity to help you let go of the shame and guilt that have been plaguing you for so long. There is nothing more valuable or beautiful in relationships.”

RELATING TO: How to Create Greater Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship?

Amanda Green is a writer with experience in copywriting, branded content, social media and editorial.