Tech Founder Struggles with the Guilt of Living Apart from His Family

• Alex Li lives in Dover, Delaware, 35 miles from where his wife and daughter live.
• Spending time away from his family to work on his startup led to feelings of guilt and regret.
• Instead of focusing on these feelings, Li focuses on what he can do to be there for his family.

As a 34-year-old founder, husband, and father, Alex Li is farther away from his family than he’d like to be. He lives in Dover, Delaware, where his AI training company is based; His nine-year-old daughter and his wife live with his wife’s parents 35 miles away in Wilmington, Delaware.

Li decided to live in Dover because daily commute It will take more than two hours between the two cities, which is unlikely considering his workload.

“Although my family is very supportive of my work and understands the fact that I have to leave home to go to work, I still often I feel so sad and guilty” Li said.

He was only able to return home occasionally during the launch years.

Li founded his company WorkX “It was a very difficult time,” he said, as he worked until 2 or 3 a.m. every day trying to find investors and grow his team. “I devoted almost all my time to this project, except for sleeping and eating,” Li said. “Even though Wilmington and Dover weren’t that far apart, it was still tough for me. make time for my family“

Her daughter was in kindergarten at the time. having a spouse worked remotely She worked about 20 hours a week and had more flexibility, handling childcare with the help of her parents.

During these launch years, Li was only able to travel home once or twice a week, about half a day, and an hour on holidays.

“I could have worked harder to complete the project as quickly as possible, while also ensuring that my family didn’t have to worry so much about finances,” he said.

Video updates worked, but guilt still flared

His wife would send him daily updates of their daughter to help bridge the gap. “My daughter was really sweet and would sometimes tell me the nursery rhymes she had just learned,” Li said. He would take time to respond during lunch or dinner, sometimes sending them short videos or pictures.

But when Li’s daughter asked her when she was coming home, when she could pick her up from school, or if she could stay home a few more days the next time she visited, feelings of guilt flared up.

“When my wife sent me messages saying that our child had made a new friend or learned new words at kindergarten, I was overcome with a mixed feeling of happiness, guilt and regret,” Li said.

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Li says men should take on more family responsibilities

Some of Li’s male friends did not understand why he felt guilty. “The traditional idea that men leave home to go to work to earn money and women stay at home and care for children is still deeply rooted in some Asian cultural backgrounds,” Li said. he said.

Once, when Li told a friend how bad she felt for not being able to do something about her daughter, the friend said that she would understand and be grateful when she grew up.

While Li appreciated his friend’s attempt at consolation, “it seemed like an excuse to avoid confronting the situation,” Li said.

Li thinks men should do this take on more family and childcare responsibilities. When she’s home, she helps take care of the housework and prioritizes spending quality time with her daughter.

If his wife needs rest, Li’s daughter stays with him in Dover while his wife goes on vacation. “Sick bring my daughter to the office “We will spend the whole day together,” Li said. “All of our team members know that we are inseparable best friends 24/7.”

Actions speak louder than guilt

instead of being I felt guilty and with the mental blow of the shortcomings of his situation, Li focuses on what he can do.

For example, he kept his promise to bring his daughter to Universal Studios Singapore on her first day after finishing a big project. “My daughter was incredibly excited as it had been years since we had traveled together as a family,” Li recalled.

Her favorite memory was watching the sunset on the beach after their day at Universal. “There is something special about those quiet, uninterrupted moments we spend together as a family,” he said. “We could just be with each other.”

Although Li still feels bad about not being able to spend time with her family, she is determined to spend more time with them and has promised her daughter that they will do so. travel abroad together every year. This year they took a trip to Spain.

“I make sure to write down the promises I make to my daughter to follow through, so I don’t forget in the middle of a busy schedule,” Li said.

Now he has more time to spend with his family

After three years of continuous work, Li’s enterprise grew and his team expanded; this gave him a lighter workload and greater flexibility. Although he is still in Dover, he has been spending more time with his family over the past two months. work remotely From home in Wilmington several days a week.

“Although I still have to work regularly with my team in Dover, I can now guarantee to go home to Wilmington two or three days a week and spend time with my family,” Li said. “There I can take on the responsibilities of being a son, husband and father.”

He can be more involved in responsibilities like picking up his daughter from school, helping with homework, and taking care of his wife’s parents. there is that too better quality time spend it with his wife. “If he encounters any difficulties, he no longer has to deal with them alone,” Li said. “We can share the load and support each other.”

Li isn’t sure how well this ideal program would work; because he still needs to hold some personal meetings, he needs to travel globally to meet with team members and users, and he knows he will have periods of intense work in the future. .

“As a result, no matter what changes occur in my career, I will try to devote more time to my family,” he said.

For others in her situation, Li’s advice is to focus on actions rather than thoughts. “We all feel guilty or sad for not being able to spend time with our families, but more importantly, we must take action to make up for it,” Li said.

If you’re struggling with parental guilt while balancing your family and career and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at: [email protected].