Sorry for the slow response… Suffering from texting guilt?

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Stay ahead of the pack with our weekly guide to the latest trends, fashion, relationships and more

For there has been a message that has remained unanswered in the depths of my WhatsApp history for weeks. I periodically tell myself that today will finally be the day I take action and respond. I opened the chat, prepared to type some variation of “I’m sorry for the slow response…” and quickly shifted my attention to another notification or a shiny new piece of digital ephemera. But the part that makes this whole cycle even more ridiculous? The message is not an emotionally fraught monologue or bombshell statement. It’s a simple “how are you?” It’s peppered with a few brief life updates sent by a good friend I really care about (and that only adds to the guilt).

I know my poor texting etiquette will likely lead to polarized reactions. You’ll either shudder in recognition as you think about all the messages you accidentally ignored, all the messages you replied to a month late — all the messages you warned “I’ve been acting ridiculous on my phone lately” (although the truth is that the phone in question has been ignored for more than a few hours). The only time it was out of alignment was while you were sleeping). Or you’ll think that leaving people to “read” is the sign of an incurably ridiculous friend who barely deserves that title. You may even have cut people out of your life for similar infractions, or (like me) be deeply suspicious of those who turn off read receipts on messaging apps, so it’s less easy to determine if they’re ignoring you.

So why do some of us get so upset about something as seemingly simple as replying to a text? “After all, many people do not mean to cause any harm or disrespect through delayed reactions; they are simply overcoming complex emotional or cognitive barriers,” the chartered psychologist explains. Doctor Ravi Gill; He adds that the reasons behind this failure to keep up are “mostly subtle and rarely intentional.” In other words, no, you’re definitely not a terrible person: You may experience certain traits and behaviors that make the constant wheel of digital communication a real challenge. First, it’s worth noting that neurodivergence can affect your ability to stay on top of communication. “It is easy for people with attention difficulties or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) to become distracted and forget to respond, especially if the message does not feel urgent,” says Dr Gill. “Once a notification is rejected, it may disappear from memory altogether.”

Personality type may also play a role. “For people-pleasers, anxiety about what others think and feel can cause great anxiety about crafting a response that won’t be misread,” he says. Charlotte Baileyan accredited CBT therapist and a trauma-trained psychotherapist. So, your slow reaction time may actually be due to caring too much about others. “This can lead to avoidance or procrastination, but then the guilt of not responding intensifies,” she adds, and can trigger fear of disappointing others or not being a “good enough” friend. “The feeling of guilt increases over time and the task of responding becomes more burdensome. (They) may worry about how their silence will be perceived or wonder whether they have upset someone. The longer the delay, the more the shame accumulates, creating a vicious cycle of avoidance.” Sound familiar? Part of my response delay time is definitely spent wondering if the sender is underestimating my delay and withdrawing interest in my life as a result.

When you research the psychological reasons behind this phenomenon, the word “avoidance” definitely comes up a lot. “People with an avoidant attachment style, or those who are not very comfortable with closeness, may subconsciously delay responding, even with loved ones, to maintain a certain distance,” says Dr Gill. Again, “this is usually not intentional” – rather “it is more of a defense mechanism”, protecting us from getting stuck in messy and potentially unpleasant emotions. “This avoidance often has its origins in our nervous system’s response to stress, a manifestation of the flight or freeze response,” Bailey adds, referring to two of our instinctive responses to a threat in which we are either compelled to flee or we absolutely do so. Nothing.

These nervous system responses date back to prehistoric times when our ancestors tried to hide from saber-toothed tigers or woolly mammoths (as does the self-explanatory “fight” mechanism). Even though the “threats” we face have changed dramatically, we often still return to these deeply ingrained reactions. A simple “how are you?” Bailey adds that a message from someone we know and love can feel like a threat “if it touches on emotions we’re not ready to deal with.” “It’s not that we don’t value the relationship; our brain is just trying to protect us from the discomfort of responding.” I realized that the WhatsApps and messages I was totally unreliable to return were not screenshots of memes and stupid jokes; These are more serious and caring messages from friends I live far away from and see rarely. The stakes seem higher, and I have a hard time summarizing the natural ups and downs that we’ll probably talk about in person once we’re closer geographically. So I just…do nothing.

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There’s also the fact that many of us struggle with some form of digital fatigue or burnout as a result of our “always on” culture inside and outside of work. We are more connected than ever to our loved ones; This can be great, but it can also leave us feeling bombarded. As Bailey notes, “The very technology meant to keep us connected can start to feel stifling.” Our smartphones create the expectation that we are always ready to respond, but they also pull our attention in countless different directions, endlessly presenting us with something newer, louder, more distinctly attention-grabbing. “Our phones are sources of constant distraction,” says Dr Gill, “which can easily lead to procrastination.” And so our messages “stay there, unaddressed, stuck in the loop of ‘I’ll do this later,’ which may not happen.”

We may also unconsciously associate the arrival of “new message” notifications with stress, which can create “reluctance or resistance to respond,” says Dr. Madeleine Jago. Courtyard of the Seven Lions South of London. If you spend your entire work day with an endless stream of messages and Slack notifications, it’s no surprise that you’ll start to view your personal messages as just an extension of work, another task to tick off. Within this framework, you may even begin to view avoiding these messages as “a subconscious way to assert or reassert control,” Bailey says. “Delaying a response creates a sense of temporarily avoiding the obligation to agree with or meet the expectations of others. “It can feel like preserving a piece of personal time and space, even if it is counterproductive and may lead to feelings of guilt later.”

Basically, most of us want to stay in touch with the people we love (and we don’t want to actively annoy those people). So how can we break this habit and reduce our cumbersome response times? Dr Jago recommends setting realistic goals such as “responding to one text a day or a few every evening, making it manageable rather than overwhelming”, choosing “low-stress times” when you’re feeling a little more relaxed. She also recommends “replying to messages to establish a routine, linking it to daily activities like drinking morning coffee,” and notes that it can also be helpful to try to determine “why” you are avoiding a particular message (like mine). dislike of open-ended “how are you?”).

It’s also worth keeping in mind that most people understand our communication shortcomings better than we think; They may have fallen into the same traps before. In my chat history “sorry I missed this!” When I search for the phrase, I receive similar messages from my friends as well as from me. So next time you’ll hear an innocuous “how are things?” You find yourself feeling ashamed of how long you put off the question. Text me, don’t be afraid: your friends are probably too busy stressing out to properly notice their own messages they’ve been neglecting for so long.