Three Questions to Keep Your Relationship Together

We often fall into difficulties in our relationships because of a fundamental misunderstanding of what might be required to secure relationships.

We naively imagine that a relationship can achieve basic stability when two people register that they love each other and occasionally say so in a serious, caring tone. Then, as long as no major event intervenes, love can be as solid and permanent as a chair or a stone pillar.

But this would be to wildly exaggerate the stability of any union. Love is not an inanimate object; It is something living and organic, closer to a plant or small animal. It needs to be skillfully cared for every day to survive. The greatest guarantor of long-term love is a profound refusal to make any assumptions about its longevity. There are always new threats to the integrity of love: harsh words, impatience, malicious jokes, distance, flirtations, missing messages, a week without free evenings.

However, we can take steps to prevent cracks from turning into cracks. To that end, there may be few better options than setting aside some time each day to ask and mutually answer three seemingly deceptively simple questions.

One: In what ways might I have disappointed or upset you recently?

Raising this question can be difficult because it requires us to give up our belief in our own innocence. Sure we mean so well, sure we’re sweet deep down, but that doesn’t stop us from being able to create sobering degrees of sadness and resentment in the other on a fairly regular basis; True kindness means having the courage to endure the idea of ​​rudeness we do without realizing it. We may hesitate to make a request for fear that the indictment will never end and that we will cause unlimited complaints. But most of our partners don’t need us to be perfect, they just need us to be curious and honest about the many ways we’re not perfect. We can tolerate someone having a big problem when they have the opportunity to admit that they caused it and express their regret; when we know they are working – at least – pretty hard.

Two: What I find compelling about you is…

Suppressed disappointment stifles love; Love dies with the accumulation of small unspoken hurts when one can still remember and there is enough goodwill to be forgiven. We are so well trained in the art of not complaining, so ashamed of being ‘difficult’ or ‘needy’, that we lose sight of our frustrations for what they are – even if our deeper self is numbed by their accumulation. Without even being remotely aware that we are angry, we can reach a stage where frozen anger alienates us from all affectionate feelings and the desire to be touched or held by our partner. Rather than assuming that discomfort may be a violation of love, we should proceed with the assumption that it is an inevitable, legitimate feature of the best relationships and the lives of the best people. We constantly and inevitably get a little upset about something (maybe someone opened the window at the wrong time, maybe someone didn’t like being overbooked on a Wednesday night, etc.) and the greatest honor to our relationships is to explain what the problem is before we get too upset to talk. Being able to make a small, productive fuss about something every day is a guarantee of true kindness and true generosity, as well as a solid future.

Three: What I really appreciate about you is…

We also need to renew their sense of why we are here. We may know well enough ourselves that it has to do with the way they analyze people, or how committed they are at their job, or how cute they can look while sleeping or walking the dog. But from the inside, none of us are free from self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness that our partner can soothe and evaporate. The more specific and personal our words of appreciation are, the more persuasive they will be. It rarely helps to tell someone that they are ‘nice’ or ‘fun’ or ‘smart’ or ‘interesting’. But if someone notices the phrase we use about his mother, or how we shake hands with him one last time before leaving for the train station, we will know that we are present in his mind in the right way, and then we can understand more and more easily. We come alive with confidence within ourselves.

To secure decades, questions may not be asked for more than a few minutes.