4 Psychological Reasons Why Many Incredible Women Are Attracted to Selfish and Narcissistic Men | Orna and Matthew Walters

Do you have a pattern of toxic relationships? Have you ever met a guy who was so wonderful, charismatic, charming and into you in the beginning but as soon as you got attached he started to become controlling and critical? Although your habit of attracting selfish men may leave you feeling hopeless about your prospects for lasting love, the truth is that you can break this pattern by developing new dating strategies.

The first step to understanding why you are constantly attracted to narcissists is to turn the question around to better understand what is going on. “Why am I attracted to narcissists and selfish men?” “What seems familiar to me about these guys?” It would be better to ask.

Here are four psychological reasons why so many incredible women are drawn to selfish men:

1. Raised by a narcissistic parent

This is the most common reason why you attract narcissists. You first learn love in your family of origin. The dynamic between you and the people who raise you creates your subconscious programming for love and intimate relationships.

Even though your relationship with your parents is not romantic, it is your first love relationship. To survive as a young baby, you need to feel loved and safe, and your parents are the source of your love and security.

When you are a child, your parents are like gods to you, so you cannot see them. They can’t be parents to you as their fault. Instead, you take full responsibility for their shortcomings.

You believe that you are the problem and that there must be something wrong with you. You will undertake any belief or strategy to feel loved and safe in your own family.

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Children with narcissistic parents grow up to be perfectly matched with romantic partners who are narcissists, and may even eventually become narcissists themselves. Research from 2015 tells us. This relationship feels so familiar (and strangely comfortable) that you have difficulty extricating yourself from the toxic situation.

The same goes for people who were abused, bullied, or traumatized in their childhood. The familiar dynamic also manifests itself in romantic relationships.

Why are you attracted to narcissists? Because you were raised by someone like this and have developed excellent strategies to adapt to their moods and selfish behavior. It feels “normal” and inviting to constantly try to win the affection of a narcissist who is incapable of loving you.

2. They have an overdeveloped sense of empathy

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To develop healthy intimate relationships, it is important to understand and relate to another person’s emotions. Putting yourself in another person’s shoes and feeling what they are feeling allows you to stop judging and understand your partner’s perspective.

However, having the ability to adapt to your partner’s needs and desires directly impacts the narcissist’s need to be the center of attention. You may be great at valuing your partner’s perspective, but your narcissistic boyfriend We will never be able to reciprocate empathy. He will use this against you.

He will constantly ask you to see things from his perspective while ignoring your own experience and emotional life. He will play the victim when called out and may even attack you for criticizing him.

Empaths also tend to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are altruistic. This may cause you to easily forgive bad behavior and assume that your partner is not against you or trying to manipulate you.

This plays directly into the narcissist’s strategy that allows him to take advantage of your good nature. Why are you attracted to narcissists? Because your empathic abilities leave you vulnerable to manipulation by a narcissist.

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3. Tends to sacrifice needs to gain love.

You cannot sacrifice your needs and establish healthy relationships. This interconnected strategy It leaves you feeling empty and wondering if your partner will reciprocate.

Narcissists don’t reciprocate. They keep taking until they have nothing left to give. Narcissists will drain you dry over and over again. Giving to receive is not a good strategy for lasting love. If you feel angry and resentful about your partner’s disregard for your needs, pay attention.

A narcissist sees you as the solution to his needs and cannot understand that you want something from him. To him, being around him should be enough for you.

Why are you attracted to narcissists? Your over-giving strategy and sacrifice one’s needs It feeds the narcissist so he can be satisfied without requiring him to reciprocate.

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4. He doesn’t believe he’s worthy of being loved.

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Low self-esteem It can leave you vulnerable to a narcissist. At the beginning of the relationship, when he bombards you with love, you will feel overwhelmed by how much attention he gives you. 2019 research It confirms that low self-esteem is often very unhealthy and can lead to depression and anxiety.

The narcissist will use the appearance of self-confidence to take advantage of your lack of self-confidence. He will initially show up to save you and be your hero. He will appear in answer to your prayers and dreams.

However, as the relationship continues, he will begin to use your lack of self-confidence against you and subtly destroy your confidence. This is his way of controlling you and keeping you under his influence. He knows that he can turn his attention to you when he needs it and that you will respond accordingly.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you have done wrong. If you think you are in danger, you can get support 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you cannot speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.

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Orna and Matthew Walters date coaches and founders Creating Love on Purpose With a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks into love, the authors Doing it right this time.