I ask Eric: I hurt my husband. How will we proceed?

Updated: 17 minutes ago Publication date: 17 minutes ago

Dear Eric: Almost 10 years ago my husband was in a life-changing car accident. This left him with neurological problems, some of which still persist to this day. Because of the neurological trauma, he was unable to convey to me the depth of his emotional pain and frustrations, and instead of showing empathy, I became a nagging, frustrated harpy, bombarding him with questions like why he hadn’t unloaded the dishwasher and why he hadn’t unloaded the dishwasher. Why was he always asleep when I came home from work?

Through many honest, frank conversations over the past three years, my husband has revealed his (well-deserved) pain and disappointment in how I treated him in the year after the accident. He said he wasn’t sure if he could forgive me.

I apologized to him multiple times for my terrible behavior and had to dig deep to confront my own insecurities and inner demons. Although he acknowledged that I was trying to be a better person, he said “people don’t change” and was cautious that I would be kinder to him in the future.

My husband wanted us to continue our daily lives of work, family, and simple pleasures while we sorted things out and that we both try not to escalate things between us. He said he wasn’t sure if he loved me, but he would always love me. I feel hopeless that he will stay in our marriage. He refuses to get any counseling but I am considering going myself. Can you please put another perspective on this situation?

– At a Crossroads

Dear Junctions: Counseling yourself is the next right step. It may be helpful to talk to someone outside your marriage about the hopelessness you feel, as well as the guilt you express about your past behavior.

A therapist can also help you forgive yourself for any unwanted hurts, which is just as important as forgiving your husband. People change, but the past does not change. But changing our relationship with the past is a powerful tool on the path to healing.

Unfortunately, I don’t think your husband’s plan is the best course of action. In addition to the trauma from the accident, she is also dealing with the trauma of feeling neglected by a loved one. This is a lot to handle and he needs support. Moreover, no matter what the future holds for your marriage, you need to be able to communicate with each other. This doesn’t seem entirely possible at the moment. If she doesn’t want to go to counseling with you, see if she would consider talking to someone on her own.

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Dear Eric: My girlfriend and I have been together for a while. He has a wide circle of friends, we see some of his close friends regularly and I always enjoy it. But we get invited to big parties a few times a year and I always feel uncomfortable there. I don’t find these things conducive to easy conversation, so I mostly stay by myself, sometimes sneaking out and wandering around the neighborhood. I recently confessed to my girlfriend and she looked very disappointed. How should I handle this?

– Party Pooper

Dear Party: Your girlfriend may be disappointed that you don’t like the things she likes, but hopefully she’ll realize you’re making a healthy choice by choosing to talk about your needs instead of wallowing in discomfort. Even though he dreams of you joining his wide circle of friends, he gets to know you and understands that you’re probably more introverted.

Assure him that you are more than happy to attend some meetings. If there are some meetings he prefers not to attend alone, talk about this in advance and see if you can reach a compromise. Maybe you make small talk for half an hour, then kiss her and tell her you’ll see her at home. Knowing what the plan is ahead of time will help you both manage expectations.

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Dear Eric: I really enjoy your advice newspaper column. Thank you. I’m writing to comment on common expressions that people, including you, use when they feel hurt by something someone said or did. My perspective as a psychotherapist is that believing someone has “hurt your feelings” is addictive. I believe it is more accurate and less critical to respond with “What you said/did upset me.” Part of the therapy world is learning to communicate with “I” statements and “you” statements. “I” statements are generally better received than “you” statements, leaving the other party feeling less criticized and therefore less defensive in response.

– I Remarks

Dear I Statements: Thank you very much for pointing this out. This is very important and yet I sometimes forget and refer to “you” statements. I really appreciate the reminder.