Are you good at making friends? Here’s how to say it

Research shows that close relationships are essential for a healthy life. People who have a network of close, supportive relationships are better able to cope with bouts of anxiety and depression. A working theory is that close friendships help us regulate our stress during challenging moments, says Robert Waldinger, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

Close friends provide each other with support, comfort, or just a brief moment of joy. But Americans are spending less time with friends, and the US surgeon general has warned that loneliness – one’s perception of social isolation – is now a threat to public health similar to smoking. It could be It even increases the risk of dementia.

So how can you invest in your friendships?

Researchers say friendships develop when two people see each other regularly (ideally because they live close to each other), bond over common interests, and begin to trust each other.

One of the most challenging parts of social connection is finding time to invest in friends away from work and family.

“We have friends. “We understand the value of friends,” said Jeffrey Hall, professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. But “it’s very difficult to prioritize the time it takes to truly enjoy our friendships.”

In a study on new friendships published in 2019, Hall determined that being together can last more than 200 hours For an acquaintance to become a close friend. But how you spend your time with someone and what you talk about can speed up the process.

“Spending a lot of time together at work is not enough,” Hall said. “What is often required is a change of context.”

‘Re-arrange’ the relationship

Change the scenery and mix up places to socialize. Reinterpreting a friendship helps people show different sides of themselves, which deepens the bond, said Marisa G Franco, a professor at the University of Maryland and author of the book. Platonic: How to Make and Keep Friends as an Adult. (“Switching” is a term first used in a report on close friendships.)

Invite a co-worker or classmate out to lunch or join your softball team, Hall said. You’ll start talking about your work or school because that’s a common interest, but the conversation will move toward sports teams or favorite TV shows, for example.

“This is the process of developing friendships,” Hall said. “This is the process of saying: I want to know more about you beyond what we already share.”

Be vulnerable

Tell a friend what you’re struggling with, Franco said. When people talk, they mirror each other. If you are not vulnerable, the other person may also hold back.

“If you want to have more depth, you’re probably going to have to go first,” Franco said. “Fragility begets fragility.”

Melanie Dirks, chair of the psychology department at McGill University, said trusting each other is a way to build a close relationship.

But some friends may not want to talk about their more intimate concerns, Waldinger said. And that’s okay; Different friendships provide different benefits.

Tell your friends you appreciate them

Franco said people often choose relationships based on whether they believe there is a risk of rejection. When we tell someone we appreciate them, we say, “I won’t reject you.”

Schulz said Thanksgiving is already the time of year to give thanks.

3 tips to be a better friend

The number of close friends a person needs to feel socially connected is subjective, Waldinger said.

You can check in with yourself regularly: Is there someone to call when I’m worried? Are there people I can meet for my hobbies or other interests?

Waldinger said a fact of life is that most relationships wax and wane, but that’s why it’s important to continue building friendships with people you like.

People tend to have the largest social networks in their early 20s, when they haven’t yet started a family, Dirks said. People may have a smaller circle of friends as they get older, but they still report the same satisfaction with social connections.

We can form close friendships at any age. But as life gets busy, you may need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people.

“We need to be more proactive about friendships and not put things on the back burner,” Schulz said. “So that means creating opportunities and seizing the moment.”