WAIT FOR YOUR TURN! American Airlines is trying to call out line jumpers

I’m old enough to see Blue Man Group off-Broadway in the early 1990s. There were previously dozens of cobalt oil painting trios scattered around the world. The original troupe who designed the performance art piece in Central Park and continues to mint money with their interchangeable legions of drum-beaters and Cap’n Crunch-guzzlers.

One piece stands out. One member of the audience arrived late—probably settled in, now that I think about it—and walked past others in his row toward an empty seat.

Suddenly the action on stage stops and he is exposed to a belated spotlight as a disembodied voice shouts: “Pass! Laaaa! LAAAAAAAAA!”

Hysterical. Naturally, humiliation of others is often the case.

Now that shame is completely dead, that makes the world a less funny place. It’s a concept that didn’t occur to me until I received an email from a regular reader this week. It starts:

“I read that American Airlines has a trial plan to embarrass customers who try to cut through the boarding line.”

We’ve all been there. There are six boarding groups. A certain subset of those in the second group stand around like runners placed on blocks, poised, alert, visibly eager to board, enviously watching those in the first groups as they march forward, bags in tow. I’m not sure why; We all board the same plane, and we leave at the same time after the last passenger takes his seat. You would think that passengers would occupy themselves by minimizing the time they spend in the sealed aluminum tube. But no.

I guess they want to make sure they have room above their heads for their huge carry-on luggage. Perhaps the reason is innate competitiveness – you get on the ship before others, beat them and thus win, giving yourself another meaningless medal in the special Ego Olympics, namely your life.

I heard news of American’s experiment and imagined the fellow passenger who inevitably had to jump the gun because he was programmed that way, trying to board the plane prematurely. Suddenly a spotlight hit him and a canned voice echoed across the door: “PLEASE… WAIT… YOUR… RETURN!!!”

Mayor Rahm Emanuel and American Airlines CEO Doug Parker at the new 41,000-square-foot — American Airlines gate area at O’Hare International Airport. The carrier is trying a new approach to stop passengers trying to skip the line and board before their groups are called. Once the offender’s boarding pass is scanned, a beep will sound and the gate agent will turn him/her away and have him wait his turn. The system is being tested at airports in New Mexico, Arizona and Virginia.

I reached out to American Airlines. Unfortunately, reality pales in comparison to imagination. American said they are testing the concept at three airports: Albuquerque International Sunport in New Mexico, Tucson International Airport in Arizona, and Reagan National Airport in Virginia, just outside Washington, D.C. The system works like this:

“When the customer tries to board the plane outside the boarding group, the system cannot read the boarding pass and gives an audible warning. The team member politely informs the customer that they cannot accept the card and asks the customer to rejoin the queue when the boarding group is called.”

Unfortunately, American Airlines did not expand on what the “audible sound” might be. I’m hoping it’ll be something like a sad, low trumpet sound – you know, “wow, wow, wow.”

The pilot program is running.

“So far we are pleased with the results of the testing,” American said.

Give him time. The dynamic I would like to see emerge is what the summoned passengers do next. Of course, it would work if they just kept their heads down, mumbled apologies, and returned to the turmoil of the more patient ones.

But that’s not human nature. What happens when they defend themselves and argue? Is it really worth upholding an abstract standard of gate fairness by waiting our turn while trying to explain waiting your turn to a privileged idiot, a concept that kindergarten instilled in most of us? How can an airline employee, no matter how skilled, reverse a lifelong habit? Isn’t it quicker and easier to get around them, a social failure that rule-breakers rely on?

This raises another question: How will people at the door react when a pinged person is sent back to wait their turn? Silence? A low, condemning murmur? General education? Hissing? We really need to bring back hissing, which is a great social tradition for communicating disapproval to strangers.

My guess is they won’t. I would be reluctant. Anyone aggressive enough to queue at the airport gate can do almost anything; When they were prevented from boarding the plane, he growled at me for making a clicking sound with my tongue and beat me senseless with that horseshoe-shaped neck of mine. This encounter, recorded by an alert audience, will be broadcast on

“Hell,” said Sartre, “is other people.” The “…at the airport” part of this sentiment is too obvious to put into words.

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