I Ask Eric: My boyfriend is a workaholic with a weird approach to relationships

Dear Eric: I am 51 years old. I have been dating “John” for two and a half years. He moved into the house a year later to help with the mortgage. Most of the time he pays, but if he misses a month and I ask he gets angry, which seems like a weird reaction to me.

If I get angry about something, he gets angry at me and often blames me.

He works from home most of the time and participates in many Zoom calls a day. He says the job is better than he imagined. But we never went on vacation together during this time. When I ask him about going on a trip together, he always says I should go because he’s too busy and that I should stop being hostile.

We had dinner with our mutual friends less than 10 times. He looks like a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and have dinner together occasionally. I’m flattered that he wants to spend time with me, but I’m sad that we don’t have a community together. I feel bored and uninspired.

He does not share anything about his financial situation. It is top secret. When his parents are in town, he eats dinner with them at 5 p.m. six nights a week for several months. I find this excessive.

I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.

– I’m Not Sure About Being Single Again

Dear Not Sure: I don’t mean to be blunt, but I’m confused about what you’re getting out of this relationship. Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and angry about his mortgage payments. He devotes a lot of time to his parents and work, but he has no time to build a relationship with you.

There’s a difference between being a workaholic and being someone who isn’t ready to be an equal partner in a relationship. It sounds like he’s the latter, and if he’s not interested in finding out how he’ll show up for you, you need to come on your own and show him the door.

You write that you feel flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you isn’t doing you any favors, it’s something he needs to want to do and be proactive about. You deserve this.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. follow him instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at: rericthomas.com.

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