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Family alienation is more common than you think. Here are tips to get you through the holidays.

Family alienation is more common than you think. Here are tips to get you through the holidays.

The holidays are often depicted as a time of togetherness, joy, and family unity — at least on the Hallmark Channel. But this season can also remind us of estranged relationships.

Research
suggests
Estrangement from family is more common than we think, with some studies estimating that up to 50% of people experience periods of separation from close relatives. The causes vary widely, from unresolved traumas to political differences, but the pain it causes can feel especially acute at a time of year when there is such a focus on family ties.

D., executive director of the Clay Center for Healthy Minds at Mass General and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Gene Beresin joined GBH. Everything Considered host Arun Rath will share ways to address family estrangement – ​​why it happens, why it can be so challenging, and most importantly, how to deal with it. Below is a lightly edited transcript.

Arun Rath: Let’s start with the “why”. Help us understand why family estrangement is becoming increasingly common. Is it as simple as politics? Or is it deeper than that?

Dr. Gene Beresin: No, I think it’s largely a shift in the ethos of Gen Z and to some extent Millennials.

I think there is increasing interest in the issue of abuse; greater attention to trauma; greater awareness of adverse childhood experiences such as domestic violence, abuse and neglect, family substance abuse, incarceration, racism, and poverty; and greater awareness and willingness to look at and talk about mental health issues.

And, of course, greater awareness of family dynamics and the conflicts one experiences within the family (changing family structures, high divorce rates, blended families that can create conflict). And I think it’s the influence of social media, which provides forums for alienated young people seeking refuge outside their families. Plus the geographical mobility of the younger generation.

I think it’s a generational thing, and I think old concepts like “blood is thicker than water” and “family first” aren’t really the current ethos. This is like being okay with a young adult breaking up with a romantic partner. Being separated from the family was considered a curse. I think a lot of people these days look at it this way: “It’s okay for me to leave a toxic relationship. Why don’t you break away from the family?”

However, it still causes a huge amount of shame, blame, and distress that people have to deal with.

Rath: It’s fascinating to hear you talk about (family alienation) as an intergenerational issue. I read recently — it might even be something you wrote or linked to — that Generation Z is more likely to be estranged from their parents than previous generations.

Beresin: Yes. Generation Z and Generation Y. But I think we see this more now. However, it hasn’t really been studied enough that we need it to be studied. Although there are many studies, there are some truly insignificant ones. But it is becoming more and more acceptable.

I think the other thing I mentioned is the role of social media. Those who have decided on no contact or limited contact have the ability to form groups, talk to each other, shout, get support and help in ways they never could before.

Rath: If there is an abuse situation, we must stipulate that it would make sense for someone to want to distance themselves from abusive family members. But if you’re replacing such connections with an online community, are there things missing? Are there dangers in this?

Beresin: There are dangers everywhere when it comes to relationships. However, if a person has a good awareness of their own social and emotional state and the ability to evaluate themselves and who they are in close contact with, this can create a positive perspective and awareness of one’s situation.

However, there is still a chance that history will repeat itself. Some people who experience abusive relationships in their families repeat the same types of abusive relationships throughout their lives. So it really depends on the individual and their ability to have perspective and take action when needed.

Rath: What are practical ways to ensure that the needs of someone who is estranged from their family are met and that the same patterns do not repeat?

Beresin: This is a great question. I think there are a lot of things that depend on each individual situation, so these won’t apply to everyone. But let me list a few things I tell patients:

  • Evaluate your situation. If your family’s holiday activities are dangerous, you need to protect yourself and stay away.
  • Focus on yourself. Call your friends and those who love you. If you cannot go home for any reason, make sure you have support.
  • If conflict breaks out when you return home, be careful not to ignite the flames. If you want to heal a wounded relationship (which many estranged people do), the holidays are not the right time to do it.
  • Make your own holiday. People have their favorite holiday movies and are searching for connection and meaning. But everyone needs to experience some kind of celebration during the holidays and make it their own.
  • Take care of yourself. This means getting good exercise, eating well, getting restful sleep, and finding ways to manage stress, including meditation or yoga. Using creative arts is a great way to practice self-care. But whether we are alienated or not, we all need to take care of ourselves.
  • Make a contribution. Contributing and giving to others releases the neurochemical oxytocin, the chemical in the brain that connects us to each other. It is secreted when we cuddle with our pets, when we fall in love, when we bond with others. To give It secretes oxytocin much better takingSo giving back to the community – cooking meals to give to other people in need, helping those in need, sending gifts – is really important, I think, especially around the holidays.