Does Love Require Compromise? | Psychology Today

I wanted to jump out the window and have sex with my ex at my wedding, but my husband is still a good person.” —A married woman

“Inside marriageCompromise nourishes the relationship.” —Tim Allen

Romantic compromise is common, but its value is questionable, as the dominant romantic ideology rejects any form of compromise, compromise, or moderation. The term “romantic compromise” itself seems paradoxical; You cannot say to your partner, “I love you, darling, even though I make compromises for you.” But, romantic relationships involves good and bad compromises (Ben-Ze’ev and Goussinsky, 2008 and Here).

Women Reveal Their Romantic Compromises

I begin my discussion with a few quotes from women explaining their own compromises:

“I thought I wouldn’t get married without compromise.”

“I thought it would change.”

“This is how I compensated for the compromise in my marriage: flirt other married men. It’s sad but true.”

“He was the man I wanted to be the father of my children.”

“I didn’t have passionate feelings for him, but he was a good friend.”

“I chose an older, less passionate man because I thought he would bring out the best in me.”

“He’s stupid but he loves me so much.”

“I didn’t love my late husband, but I respected him. He was very kind and proud of me and gave me my money back. confidence.”

Compromise and Sacrifice

“Love is not a feeling happiness. Love is the willingness to sacrifice.” —Michael Novak

to do sacrifice Giving up something valuable and gaining something else, in this case, strengthening the relationship. With to agree It is giving up the search for a better prospect so as not to risk losing a current situation; even if this situation is slightly worse than the possibility given up. Sacrifice requires actual actions and losses: We cannot mentally sacrifice what we do not actually have. Compromising carries potential risks of loss that are constantly reevaluated in our minds.

Romantic compromise is problematic because it requires giving up on attractive alternatives while also longing for them. The abundance of romantic options in our society pushes those in happy, functioning relationships to seek better, or at least different, alternatives. This abundance can prevent us from being happy with our own destiny. You may believe that your partner is a good match, or at least good enough for you; But the existence of tempting options prevents you from accepting this. Lovers can’t rest (even just a little) these days, even if their romantic paths are smooth boringbut it is still a valuable path).

Rather, because the path not taken is seen as more attractive, many people feel that they are making compromises to avoid experiencing different alternatives that are not necessarily better (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

In a world without restrictions, we would have no need for compromise: we would get whatever we want. In reality, there are many limitations to what we can achieve and compromises are necessary. However, there are various compromises.

Implicit and Explicit Agreements

“Don’t compromise yourself. All you have is you.” —Janis Joplin

Melinda Williams and Danielle Sulikowski distinguish between implicit and explicit agreement. Inside covered In compromise, individuals compromise the quality of their potential partners by indirectly adjusting their ideal partner preferences according to their own mate values. Inside open Compromising, people choose partners who clearly fall short of their preferred ideal standards. Implicit compromise is more common. Adaptive negotiation directs individuals to the highest quality partners they can attract and keep, given their mate value and current circumstances (Williams and Sulikowski, 2020).

An important way to make good compromises is to implicitly change our ideal standards by lowering them or changing the relative importance given to each trait (or achievement). We can consider the relevance of a topic cognitive scale, measurement scope characteristics of the partner and evaluationand evaluating the scale importance of every feature. Although the way we evaluate the scope of the feature is limited, it is easier to change its importance (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; Here).

Good and Bad Compromise

“Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want now..” —Zig Ziglar

“Life is full of trade-offs and there is no perfect solution, but if you find meaning in your relationship it doesn’t need to feel like a compromise..—Reness Shen

Although compromise is necessary, there are good and bad ways to compromise (Here). Following Robert Goodin’s analysis of good compromise (2012), he defines good romantic compromise as (1) relaxing one’s mind; (2) The settlement must be limited in time and not merely temporary; (3) having intrinsic value and (4) continuing to strive.

1. Setting resting the mind. Good romantic compromises give the lover’s heart a home to rest. When lovers adapt to the values ​​and desires of their loved ones, they do not necessarily have to compromise their own values ​​and desires, but share the other person’s values ​​and desires, accepting them as their own. . Not every change in a person’s values ​​is a compromise.

2. Available for a limited timebut not instantaneousamount of time. Good romantic reconciliations are experiences that last over time; They are not instantaneous, but they may not last for a long time. When making a good romantic compromise, the temporal perspective is broader than the immediate situation.

3. to have intrinsic value. Good romantic compromises are valuable; not only because they prevent futile, frustrating searches for the perfect person, but also because they contribute to the development of their partner. Good romantic compromises involve accepting a good enough relationship while continuing to improve it.

4. strive. Good compromises don’t stop striving, but the effort focuses on nurturing the romantic relationship rather than relentlessly trying to replace it.

When good compromises are made, the sense of compromise disappears or at least diminishes as the relationship develops. A bad compromise makes the relationship worse and divorce It is almost inevitable. Good compromises are those in which an initial conflict of values ​​eventually turns into a convergence in values.

Compromise on Choosing a Partner and Staying with a Partner

“I like to limit it if it doesn’t go overboard..” —Mae West

In our society where seductive options abound, we rarely have to compromise when choosing a partner. However, this abundance makes it difficult to stay with one person as there are many tempting alternatives. Similarly, Marie Thouin claims: polygamous people compromise both more and less than monogamous couples. They compromise less when choosing a partner because the freedom to have multiple partners allows people to get more from their romantic relationships. sexualand social needs were met. However, polyamory requires more compromise to stay together with one partner; because people have to compromise on needs, feelings and relationships. borders of multiple partners and themselves (Thouin, 2024). Masha Halevi (2021) also argues that in light of the multiplicity of many conflicting needs involved in a polyamorous cluster, people’s communication should be deep and positive, such as in non-violent communication that significantly reduces conflicts (Halevi, 2021). ; Rosenberg et al., 2015). So these conflicting needs seem like a blessing in disguise.

Ultimately, these are the best and worst times for lovers. Lovers suffer from many romantic relationships that do not last, and many relationships also collapse due to romantic compromise. But these are also bright times for lovers, and we can even call it a renaissance, because love is always in the air and is very important in choosing a partner and maintaining the relationship. Love can no longer be dismissed as something stupid fantasy; It is perceived as realistic and feasible for many people. Love made an impressive comeback. And rightly so.