close
close
awsum

I shared so much about my daughter online that she thought she was famous

Neon
I shared so much about my daughter online that she thought she was famous


Portrait of Dr Elaine Kasket
Elaine Kasket was a frequent ‘sharer’; A parent sharing pictures and details of her daughter online (Image: Nicolas Laborie)

‘I don’t like you posting funny speeches’ Facebook‘ said my nine-year-old over lunch at a bar five years ago.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Over the years, I became vaguely aware of growing hints that he was uncomfortable with the photos, anecdotes, and family conversations I regularly shared. social media. I shrugged and continued anyway.

‘So if a parent has shared things in the past,’ I said, ‘what should happen to those posts?’

Suspecting I wouldn’t like what happened next, he smiled wryly: ‘These should be deleted immediately,’ he said matter-of-factly, ‘and the parents should get in on the naughty step.’

I felt sick. Was it the guilt of knowing I belonged to my naughty name? The pain of deleting a carefully curated archive of ten years of family life? Or is it because the prospect of never posting again is strangely frightening?

For those who don’t know, sharing is a combination of ‘sharing’ and ‘parenting’; Parents’ and caregivers’ app for the digital age Publishing information about children online. A small portion of those sharing are professionals: mummy bloggersInsta-families and parent influencers who post for profit. The rest are amateurs who just want to share their family life for various reasons.

From the moment I shared my daughter’s sonogram with my Facebook friends in 2009, I was in the latter category. Its arrival coincided with the birth of my sharing habit.

The more verbal, sweet and funny he was, the more I shared. The more I share, the more likes I get. If someone wrote that they made my daughter’s day, that would make me happy. Mine day.

Since I was an immigrant moving to the UK from America, social media activity was part of the glue that held my extended family together. The posts my siblings, cousins, friends, and I shared about our children seemed to narrow the thousands of miles between us, bringing my parents closer to the grandchildren they rarely saw alive.

In many ways I don’t blame myself. We were all more innocent about social media At that time, it became the norm to post about one’s children.


Portrait of Dr Elaine Kasket
Was I using her, using sharing to meet my social needs, and could she sense it? (Image: Nicolas Laborie)

in 2010 three quarters 92% of UK and European parents are happy to share, while 92% of two-year-olds in the US are on social media.

Teen data is an extremely valuable, hot commodity for profiling current and future consumers. Very young children cannot give digital consent to have their information collected, used or shared because they cannot understand the risks; these include inappropriate use of their images, advertisers targeting them ruthlessly in the future, or potential risks. Financial security is affected by identity impersonation.

However, adults who consent to these often do not understand the consequences. Ironically, it’s often adults who do the collecting and sharing in the first place.

As a cyber psychologist who studies the intersection of psychology and digital technology, I began to wonder how my social media activities were affecting my child. Using I share to meet my social needsWas I using her and could she feel it?

Because of me, my daughter had an online identity that could affect her opportunities, privacy, or emotional experience later in life.


Portrait of Dr Elaine Kasket
My daughter often hid or covered her face when the phone came out (Image: Nicolas Laborie)

He never allowed this. What was it that I shared, without her permission, that inadvertently taught my daughter the ability to decide her own boundaries?

When I focused on the personal benefits that social media use provided me, I was unaware that my child was unhappy. He often hid or covered his face when the phone came out, but I thought it was just playful behavior.

‘Are you putting this on everyone’s iPhone?’ he would ask, sounding just curious.

Sometimes, when I was distracted during a conversation, he would catch me transcribing our dialogue under the table.

Friends he had never met in person would recognize and embrace him, asking him questions that betrayed their in-depth knowledge of his life.

‘Am I famous or something?’ he would ask, confused. ‘Why do they think they know me?’

When my daughter told me that I needed to take this naughty step, I decided to take it further. It was clear that it was time to put my years of theoretical research and writing on psychology and technology into practice in my own life.

At one point I asked him why he hadn’t voiced his unhappiness more loudly before.

‘Because,’ he said wearily, ‘I didn’t think you’d stop.’


Portrait of Dr Elaine Kasket
I deleted everything on Facebook and Instagram and never posted about him again (Image: Nicolas Laborie)

This cut me off. I was proud of myself for asking, listening, and being willing to change despite the pain, but I was even more proud of her for having the courage to tell me the truth.

On the way home I told him I would do whatever he wanted.

I turned the digital archive of his life into a thick stack of physical books. I deleted everything on Facebook and Instagram and never posted anything about him again.

This comforted him, especially as he aged into adolescence. I found other ways to stay connected: video calls, private messaging, family WhatsApp groups.

My daughter is now a teenager; He is assertive and knowledgeable about drawing his own boundaries on and off the internet. I’d like to think that our conversation helped him get there and our relationship is stronger now.

Fortunately, the tide may be changing; In a 2023 survey, 45% of parents reported being much more careful about sharing sensitive information about their children.

Data, identity and power are so deeply intertwined in today’s digital world.

Choosing what to share about yourself online should be your birthright. The adults in your life must protect it for you before you have a chance to fight for it on your own.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

Share your opinions in the comments below.

MORE : Mother says ‘cruel’ name for baby will make son’s life difficult

MORE : Cyclist knocked down my disabled son and gave the worst excuse

MORE : Everyone wants to hug the new baby, not the new mother

Related Posts