Hīkoi on violence against women in Whanganui: ‘There’s a lot of shame’

Violence against women stems from a complex mix of factors, Williams said.

He said the absence of male role models, ongoing alcohol and drug addiction problems and the heavy burden of shame contributed to domestic violence.

“There’s a lot of shame in some of our guys that they’re trying to suppress,” Williams said.

“Either something happened to them or they hurt others and they felt ashamed of it and isolated themselves.

“Every man wants to be a good father and husband.”

New Zealand’s housing crisis and high cost of living continue to impact domestic violence and make it harder for women to escape harmful relationships, the Voice said.

“The housing crisis is leaving women feeling like they have nowhere else to go, and it also means families are under a lot of pressure and some households are multi-generational.

“If you are financially dependent on your abuser, even trying to think about how you can free yourself and provide for yourself and your children is a huge hurdle to overcome.”

Williams also saw firsthand how men have a hard time reaching out when they can’t control their anger due to a sense of pride.

“Most of our guys know they need help, but they don’t take action.

“Pride is a great killer for this.”

Disconnection from cultural identity can also contribute to a damaging relationship with whānau, he said.

“Many men who are incarcerated and exposed want to connect with their own people.

“As they mature and know they need to change, you find that many of them want to connect with their cultural identity.”

Having a positive male role model can greatly help break intergenerational trauma and repeated cycles of domestic violence, Williams said.

“Although some boys can grow up without a father, if there is a next-door neighbor who is a really good role model and takes that boy under his wing… A young boy can grow up to be anything you want him to be.”

Voice said White Ribbon Day was an important day in the Whanganui Women’s Refuge calendar because it allowed them to stand with men against violence against women.

“This is a really powerful moment to be a part of and reassuring for us.”

Warning signs of domestic violence or abusive relationship

Voice said that when someone withdraws from family activities and loses interest in things that previously brought them pleasure, it can be a sign of abuse.

“It may look like no longer being able to go to work or participate in hobbies due to the emotional burden of maintaining a difficult relationship.”

Changes in financial circumstances, such as accumulating debt or transferring debt from a partner’s name to one’s own name, can also be a warning sign, Voice said.

“They may lie to preserve the relationship and protect themselves from questions that are really hard to answer.”

There may also be changes in emotional or mental health, such as increased anxiety or depression: “This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s domestic violence, but it could be.

“People may start asking questions like ‘what would you do if this happened?’ or they may start asking questions about domestic violence on behalf of a friend,” Voice said.

“It’s important if someone is worried that someone finds the courage to ask them or call us (Women’s Shelter) and we can talk to them.”

The Voice said Whanganui Women’s Refuge can always be reached for anyone with concerns.

“We would be happy to talk to mothers, sisters, aunts or friends if they have concerns.”

FAMILY VIOLENCE

How to get help: If you are currently in danger:

• Call the police on 111 or ask your neighbors or friends to call you.
• Run outside and go to where other people are. Ask for help so your neighbors can hear you.
• Take the children with you. Don’t stop to buy anything else.
• If you are being abused, remember that it is not your fault. Violence is never acceptable.

Where to go for help or more information, or to learn about donating to other organizations:

• Women’s Shelter: Crisis line – 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7)
• Shine: Helpline – 0508 744 633 (available 24/7)
• not ok: Domestic violence hotline – 0800 456 450
• shakti: Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children.
• Crisis line – 0800 742 584 (available 24/7)
• Ministry of Justice: For information on domestic violence
• Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga: National Domestic Violence Services Network
• White Ribbon: We aim to eliminate male violence against women.

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Eva de Jong is a reporter for the Whanganui Chronicle covering health stories and general news. He started reporting in 2023.